7:48 PM CST. Exhaustion and lassitude for dessert. It is dark earlier, to which we are resigned.
There is no meter of which I am aware to measure the suckage of any given day. If there were, it would probably be available at a big-box hardware store, and there would be one in my tool box or glove compartment, right next to the voltage meter or the air pressure gauge where I expect it to be anytime I need to check some voltage or wonder what the pressure is in my tires. Which is not that often, as you might expect. Still, when I want to know if a circuit is hot or the sagging tire does not convince me, it is nice to know that the tool I need will be there.
Except for today. Today, the tool was not there. Come to think of it, it never was, and I am confounded as to why this distresses me so much. Maybe because I was grasping at straws, fighting for air through a dense thicket of gargantuan irritation catalyzed by a Greek chorus of grief that chanted all day in my hind brain.
It is a sunny day in November, in the Year of Our Lawd 2013, and I wanted to call my big brother and wish him a Happy Birthday! He would have been 50 years young today.
He would have been. But he is not, except in my memory and the memory of family and friends. The loss is four years old now, seeming just yesterday and forever ago. It was not until I was pounding on the steering wheel and screaming at the unknowing driver in the car ahead of mine, that I realized why my eyes kept welling up today for no apparent reason.
Big Bro would have been 50 years old today, and I am furious that I cannot call him up and give him some stick about it. He was always supposed to be older than me, and my heart has not yet wrapped itself around that unavoidable fact of our existence. Yelling at strangers who cannot hear me will not change all that, bit sometimes, on a bright November day, I do not know what else to do.
08 November 2013
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I remember when he died. And I don't know that the pain of loss goes away entirely. It is still a raw place, even though miniscule, that exists. I understand. Haven't been here in a while to comment. Take care, man.
ReplyDeleteGrief. The word is too small, isn't it? Yesterday you pounded a steering wheel and yelled at strangers; I sat in my car in a parking lot while the rain drummed on the roof and cried myself hoarse. We get by however we can. Blessings, as always, Irish...
ReplyDeleteI understand. Tomorrow, Nov, 10, marks 1 year since my husband died at 56. I, too, just posted on the emotions of it all. I find myself suddenly crying at times and feeling overwhelmed. Everyone tells me it will pass. I wonder.
ReplyDeleteYeah. There's a day in June that I have just learned to put on the calendar because otherwise I end up in tears or really angry and I don't know why.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
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