The Blizzard is a Conspiracy to Let the Terrorists Win. Really!

A long day here in the Republic of Gumbolia, culminating in a slow commute home to a turkey sandwich snarfed down in front of the tube.  Because I do not get a newspaper anymore, most of my news comes electronic form, and I have recently fallen back into the habit of skimming the television news while I eat dinner and decompress.

This troubles me.  Television, and its cousin the Internet, have a way of becoming a digital briar patch.  Filtering becomes critical when faced with information 'push', 24/7.  Effective filtering becomes increasingly difficult in proportion to the degree of weariness on my part.  Ergo, I too often get sucked in.

Or irritated.  The news has really been taking a bastard file to the raw ends of last nerves, yet I find myself too tired to stop watching.

Since I am very tired right now, I'll keep this rant short:

"Dear television news people:  please stop running feature stories on just important the holiday season is to retailers across America.  Sure, shopping is fun, but its just another business, and I don't live life waiting for the next big sale.  If the headline stories are to be believed, if retailers don't have a good (i.e. lots of money in the till) holiday, then life as we know it will crumble and we will have to live in the stone age or something.  And please, please, stop running continuous stories about how the recent horrible weather will have an negative effect on retailers, thereby leading to the stone age scenario again.  Here's a tip for you: money doesn't disappear just because a blizzard kept people from going to the mall, it only rests. Don't worry, it will be spent, one way or another.

Oh, and as far as bad weather ruining a day of shopping?  I think stories about strangers and neighbors braving the weather to take dialysis patients to treatment, or helping someone get food and heat, trump another puff piece about vacationers in Disney World complaining because they had to buy a jacket.  Enough already!

Thank you,
IG

P.S.:  An occasional story about kittens or puppies romping in the snow would be nice."

Here endeth the rant.

From The STFU Files: Tiger Woods Edition

Alright, folks, time for a short rant:

Tiger Woods doesn't need to apologize to his 'fans'. He doesn't need to call a press conference to tell the world that not keeping his dog in the right yard is "unacceptable". In fact, apologizing in such a manner doesn't seem much like an apology at all. It just seems like a page torn from the Plastic Persona Media Guide to Reputation Damage Control: Spin. The apology reeks of nothing more than a transparent attempt to avoid losing the endorsement deals because of public 'outrage'. That is obscene, just like the sickening amounts of money that companies dole out to "superstars". As if blinding talent and ability in an extremely specific skill set automatically translates into good judgment and discerning intellect when it comes to choice of soft drink, fast food, wristwatch, cell phone, or any other ephemera of modern life.

It's a sham, it's arrogant and it makes me want to invoke the Right To Privacy From Celebrities Personal Lives. Frankly, this falls in the category of things I don't want or need to know. Another incredibly talented athlete, awash in money and adulation, free from the daily grind of having to truly work for a living* gets found out on his infidelity?

Someone needs to explain to me why this is important.

Mr. Woods is correct in that what he did was unacceptable. What he did, however, is not new or different. It has been going on since men and women have been men and women. That he did it makes it no worse and no different than any other schmuck who committed adultery. It certainly does not make it more interesting.

How many people really know Tiger Woods? How many people are really his friends? You can be a fan, you can be interested in what he does as a golfer** but if you let it influence your life to the point where you feel you need an apology because of his bad behavior, it is time to reconsider your own values. Why are you looking to Tiger to be your moral compass?

The only people Tiger should be apologizing to is the wife, the friends and the family. In  private. Press conferences do not count. 

Go home, Mr. Woods, sit down and STFU for a while. Then look your loved ones in the eye and tell them you are sorry. That is the only way it will truly be meaningful.

*Please, spare me the crap about how much practice and travel and oh how hard it is to get that ball in the little cup. Boo hoo. Golf is not hard work, no matter how much time you spend in the sun. My father was an auto mechanic for 45 years, and a good one. Did he get a multi-million dollar endorsement deal because he could change a head gasket? No. That's difficult and dirty work, to do it every day for that long. Dad had the calluses and the grime under the nails to prove it. No one carried my father's tool chest for him.

**For the record, I think Tiger Woods is astounding at what he does. So is Michael Phelps. I can't do what they do, nor do I judge my self-worth by what others are good at doing. However, I don't know them, I'm not their family or friends. Whether dipping a wick or taking ill-advised hits from a bong, it really has no bearing on how I live my life. I don't look to them for validation or support. Why would I? That is what friends and family do. Friends and family also call you on your bad behavior, and forgive you if you sincerely admit to your transgressions.

If On a Winter's Night a Timesuck*

Ahh, the Internet. The biggest timesuck in the history of Mankind, but it does serve a purpose. Or should that be purposes? Whatever, I am sure you would agree that having Internet access on a reasonable computer allows one to waste more time more efficiently, in more ways and over a broader range of topics than ever before. Finally, I have landed in (techno) Nirvana! A chilly winter’s night and I am contemplating a few of my past and current timesucks, and I share them now with you…

1) My new iPod: Okay, not really the web per se. But between a brand new fiber-optic hookup and the latest version of iTunes, my music collection is hovering up quite a bit of my free time. On the plus side, I am finally getting things organized and expanding my collection to get all the past and current music I never had the time or money or energy to pursue. Wee Lass and I (and her stuffed animals) are starting a new bedtime ritual of listening to a random assortment of songs. I dig it.

2) ElfYourself: Okay, this one has been out for a while, but it’s still pretty funny. Who doesn’t look hilarious wearing an elf hat and pointy shoes? We even put a picture of one of our cats in it; laughed so hard I snorted. Just don’t do this at work. If you do use it at work, don’t use a picture of your boss. If you do you use a picture of your boss, make sure he or she doesn’t see it. Unless you want it to be seen, in which case I hope your boss has a good sense of humor. Get your elf on: http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/

3) BandNameMaker: A new one on me! A former coworker (former in that she left to have a child, not for pink slip reasons) turned me on to it. I know it’s just a random word generator, but some of the names it came up with had me laughing so hard I nearly wet myself. Best Name I Would Use If I Were Starting A Band: ‘Celtic Funk Snake’ (copyrighted now!). Best Name I Would Not Use If I Were Starting A Band: ‘Farting Tuba Hole'. Waste some time at www.bandnamemaker.com/

4) Yearbook Yourself: The latest and greatest timesuck to grace my laptop screen. The possibilities could be endless! This could be a cheap way to make some photos for silly Christmas cards, or birthday cards or maybe embarrass someone with a particularly goofy picture or two, say like these two:

What really gave me case of the heebie-jeebies is that there was a time in my distant path where my hair was frightfully similar to some of those photos. Since then I have learned a thing or two about fashion and grooming. I've been practicing and working out. All that hard work paid off. Good thing I look like this now:

*A tip o’ the hat to the memory of Italo Calvino (1923-1985), Italian author of some very fine, if somewhat quirky stories and novels. His If On a Winter’s Night a Traveler provided the inspiration for the title of this post.