The bubble popped and I snapped awake. Years, gone, and where did I wake up?
I had one of those moments today, of ennui spiced with dislocation, and a dash of mild anxiety. It was induced by a chance encounter via email. The email came from a professional networking website and it was chock full of catalysts and memory triggers in the form of "what-have-you-done-since..." blurbs. The past come back to nag me.
The feeling of being underwater has been intense in the nearly four weeks since I was let go from the job. Some days I wander around immersed in the sensation. I put it aside most of the day, as I had my darling daughter with me, and it was good.
But that email brought it all back. I scrolled through the page, looking at all the people who had been somewhere and done something and it was at the end of it that the bubble popped. I started as if awoken while sleepwalking. It took me a brief pause to collect myself to remind me that I was on the couch staring at the laptop screen. I was home.
Home, and wondering just what it is that I had been doing all these years. Picking through the battered scrap heap of my career life to try and piece together that which I could point to and say: I Did This, And I Am Wonderful. The pickings, it seemed to me, were too thin.
Leaning back into the sofa cushions all I could think was that I need to get my stuff together. I need to do something worthwhile and soon, as I have metaphorically been sawing off the limb behind myself. Its only a matter of time before that limb cracks. I need to hurry.
I need to rev the engine, pop the clutch and damn the torpedoes. I need to get somewhere, fast.