19 November 2010

Farging Bastiches Friday: The Curmudgeon Files

Apologies, dear readers, as I must indulge myself a rant, in bullet point form:

  •  Being possessed of a pulse, a uniform and a job does not make one a hero.  Being 'heroic' (i.e. showing great courage, exhibiting noble qualities, and great achievements) makes one a hero.  Calling someone a hero because they got out of bed and put on their pants only cheapens the ideal, and means that if everyone is a "hero", no one is a hero.  You want to be a hero? Then do something truly heroic.
  • Being possessed of great religious conviction does not equate with being possessed of superior morals or ideas.  If you ask a stranger what faith they profess, ostensibly to have a polite discussion about belief, only to quickly turn it into a thinly veiled lecture on why their relationship with God isn't the "right" relationship, and that yours is, then you have disqualified yourself from being a truly humble practitioner of faith.  No one can truly know the mind of God, so don't even try, you hypocrites.  Corollary:  When the party you have just insulted and patronized by denying the legitimacy of their belief system reacts by disagreeing with you, said disagreement does not constitute persecution of you as a believer of a different faith, nor does it constitute an insult to your faith.  The person simply does not believe what you believe.  Different belief is just that; different, not wrong.  So get over yourselves, you tinpot martyrs.  Cry your crocodile tears somewhere else.
  • Being a newly elected Republicanfacisticteabaggernutjob U.S. Representative or Senator does NOT mean you are possessed of a God-given, "will-o-the-people" mandate to enact every ill-thought out piece of legislation in your Big Box of Crazy Ideas.  You won that seat because people wanted to change things, and because this supposed democracy is heavily weighted to the two-party system, the people who wanted to change things voted for you because YOU WEREN'T THE GUY/GAL ALREADY IN OFFICE, not because your stupid ideas and close-minded thinking were so attractive.  There were no real, viable third-party alternatives.  So get your heads out of your own asses, and stop looking in the mirror so damn much.
  • Being excited about getting up at 3:00 a.m. on Black Friday does not make you the envy of the neighborhood, or an example to be imitated.  It does not make you worthy of respect, and it does not make you nearly as cool and fascinating as you think you are.  What it does do is make you a tool.  A Pavlovian, programmed consumerist tool, beholden to whatever megacorporations have hoodwinked you into believing that the latest/greatest app/gadget/machine/toy is the only way to show how much you care for the people you want to give gifts to.  Good thing the product life cycles are so short, that way you can do it all again next year!  Seriously, though?  Do you really want to be at the end of your days, thinking "Wow, it was so cool that I was the first one with an xBox 3000, way back in '10!"  Hate to break it to you, Sparky: NO ONE CARES.
  • F-book (or any other Internet-intensive New Economy company) announcing it will be "making a play" for the market by offering services that other companies already offer...is not news.  So, all you local news anchors hawking thinly veiled ads for said companies under the aegis of "Consumer Watch" human interest stories? Shut up.  Just shut up.  I. Don't. Care.  Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
  • Putting any humble food (like french fries) on a pretty plate, and taking a glossy picture of it, and adding the word "GOURMET" to the description, does not make automatically that food "gourmet".  If you want to make french fries "gourmet",  let's see them fresh-cut to order, twice-fried, properly drained and served with side of say, chipotle aioli or homemade mushroom ketchup.  Plus, a waiter should bring them to the table.  DO NOT let some bored high school kid dump a block of batter-coated frozen fries into stale grease, oversalt them and dump them (undrained) into what will become a grease-soaked recycled paper boat, accompanied by a fistful of 'ketchup' packets.  Really, if you want to impress people, just make them hot, crispy and with the right amount of salt.  If you can do that simple thing well, you will go far in life.
Here endeth the rant.

All of then above items I have recently heard or seen in person or through various forms of media, and the irritation factor reached critical mass, hence this post.  It may be a long winter, folks...maybe I'll just put my fingers in my ears and shout "La, la, la..."


  1. Here's your Booyah!

    Irish, you took the words right out of my mouth. As you sayeth here, I believe too.

    Plus, mas mas credence is given to any advocate of chipotle aioli. Arriba! And amen.

  2. Stay away from all those negative people, TV, newspapers...go into your woods..sing to yourself..so you may head back out to observe a little more...'cause we like what you're saying...but we don't want your head to pop off with the steam that's building. Hopefully, some pressure was spilled with the above words...

    If it wasn't for writing, I would've popped tons of times myself...

  3. Why, you old sourpuss. Come sit by me. ;-)

    I totally don't get Black Friday. I would rather be in bed. Even if they were GIVING stuff away, I wouldnt get up at 3am and fight a crazed mob. The things people think are cool astonish me. Perhaps you remember the 80s, when working 70-80 hour weeks was considered a status symbol. Huh??? That was followed by a bunch of revelatory articles in women's magazines about former cogs who quit working 75 hours a week and began selling organic gourmet french fries from home instead, and how centered they felt. Um, all of this should have been obvious before you started, people.

    Before I go, may I tell you about The Church of The White Jesus? He's coming back. He'll come out of the sky in a black pick up truck with flag decals in the back window, and shoot all the immigrants, liberals, and homosexuals. Here, be a hero and hold up this sign. Thanks.

  4. There may not have been any "viable third-party alternatives" in the recent election, but it didn't stop me from voting for every independent and/or Libertarian running - and withholding a vote for those positions where the only option was Demohack or Republinut. And NO, it was not a waste of my vote - my vote would have been wasted had I voted for the status quo, no matter what "party" they were affiliated with.

    Moving on....

    I was going to make a comment about everything you wrote, but in the interest of brevity, let me just say I pretty much agree with you. Especially on the french fry thing. Now I must figure out how to make homemade mushroom ketchup, because it just sounds so damn good.


  5. you took the words right outta my lazy fingers, as always. have you been to belgium? fries there are an art form. I personally don't care for wimpy and flaccid anything...particularly my french fries....and all the rest...yeah...you are not alone in what you said...

  6. Oh rants are good. Real good. It's ranting that keeps my writing, and me, sane. Ranting is so much healthier. Now that it's out of your system, balance is restored and you will move on to happier pursuits.

    About French Fries, I love them. However, my country serves up the frozen type - le sigh! The rest is just too shitting expensive to eat regularly. I'd rather eat my mother's 'aaloo roast'. :)

  7. And if I might add - just because you are In The Military doesn't mean you are "fighting for our freedom" or are automatically a Hero. I don't send out mindless thanks to everyone who is in the military - some may have signed up with the idea of protecting the US but I know that others did it because they needed to get out of a bad situation, couldn't get a job, or their family all belonged. Blind faith in the military similar to any other preconceived notion - making an assumption about an entire group of people is dangerous. Problem? No one has the balls to say it out loud that maybe not all veterans fought for freedom. They may have just worn a uniform. And not all fights that America starts are about freedom -most are about economics.

  8. You're totally my sorta ranter, Irish.

    Although I would eat the fries, gourmet or not.

  9. Found your blog through SSP. So funny, so true!

  10. This calls for an "OMG"..as in, OMG, I'm so excited by your writing, cynicism and use of BIG WERDS! And then you ended your rant with "here endeth the rant," and I ended a rant I wrote with "here endeth this rant!" Simpatico??? I feel all warm and squashy inside now. You had me at "rant!"

  11. you are cleary down a pint...
    that is me sharing a virtual Guinness with ye, laddie :)

  12. Lots here to ruminate on. Political fuckupery is rampant. French fries are good when done from scratch with fresh potatoes. I like your civilized rants.

  13. Twice fried fries...how did you KNOW? Oh yea...you're Irish. Duh.


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

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