31 August 2016

36 Days in Dreamtime

36 days in dreamtime and the awakening occurs here. Cold, dim, familiar. The cry of seabirds and the trumpeting of seals greets the rising of the sun and myself, such as it is.  I know this place. The stones of it dig through the fabric of my coat, into my back. I never wanted to see it again. 

Memory fades a little as I sit upright. I was dreaming, I thought. But maybe not. No, I wasn't dreaming it all. She was here, she was with us for 36 days in dreamtime. Now she is gone, and I am up here on the ridgeline overlooking a lonely island out in far south of the Atlantic where it is cold and gray but the birds and the seals are curious.

At least, that is what it feels like. Soul on ice. Numbness of the heart and a weariness that reaches deep into the bones. Hard not to feel like that when you granddaughter dies before she got to make a full orbit around the sun. I have company, though, which means the long journey back to the mainland and the sun will not be as hard as it could be.

Not that difficulty matters. I have a thicker skin now. Tougher hide around the beaten stone that is my heart. Hard work is the order of the day, hope I am up to it. This is one of the hardest things I have ever written because I stared at the blank page for three weeks, because the words would not come.

Maybe they still have not shown their faces. I do not know yet. But I had to start somewhere, and the familiar territory of my past experience with loss beckoned. The journey back starts now. It starts with a deep breath and memories. My soul pulls its coat tighter, and starts back down the mountain to the sea. I have 36 days in dreamtime to keep me going.

5 comments:

  1. Beautifully written, Irish. My heart goes out to you and your family - at least you got a whole 36 days to enjoy your Guardian Angel in real life. Your lives are ever richer for having known her even for that short of time. I will continue to keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGZ!!))

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  2. Memories-memories-never forget the memories. The faces will appear.

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  3. Hang in, keep going. Keep writing. It's almost gumbo season again. (I mean, I suppose it's always gumbo season on some level, but cooler weather suits it and vice versa.) Thinking of you.

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  4. Hang in, keep going. Keep writing. It's almost gumbo season again. (I mean, I suppose it's always gumbo season on some level, but cooler weather suits it and vice versa.) Thinking of you.

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"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."


-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...