Showing posts with label knowing myself even if it hurts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label knowing myself even if it hurts. Show all posts

30 May 2014

This is the Hard Part

There is nothing like being a parent to make you feel like you might amount to something in this life. And nothing like the same condition to make you wonder if you will ever live up to the promise shining in the eyes of your child. 

This is the hard part. Overcoming the limitations of yourself. Overpowering the weaknesses in your character. Learning that love is more important than ego. 

Trying not to be swallowed up by the black hole of worthlessness that lurks in the bottom of an insecure soul. 

This is the hard part. Staring in shock at that human bent on the mirror and realizing how great the task that lies before it, that of being a better person. 

Better, for the sake of love: the imperative of life. 

10 September 2011

In The Morning, I Carry Water; In The Evening, I Chop Wood

There is a peculiar silence in the mornings now that I don't turn on the radio when I'm making breakfast.  It is not a hermetic silence.  There are noises, the myriad ticks and whispers of an old house coming to life, with the birds awakening outside the windows.  In the corner of the cloister called the kitchen, the refrigerator hums its offices while I make tea.

The non-silent silence anchors me in the day.  Music is a love of mine, but lately it has begun to wear on my ears.  This is a sure sign I have been listening to it too much and I am in need of a break.  Hence the true silence of the radio I usually stream through my computer.

What else has this silence given me?  Mental breathing space.  A chance to ease slower into the day.  I believe I needed it long ago but stubbornness and a fear of the noise in my head kept me from the silence.  The change came abruptly, yet I cannot recall when I stopped turning on the radio.  It must have been sometime in the spring.  Spring, yes, that was it.  A season of change, with the growth of things coming on strong.

I feared the silence, beginning long ago, and was unaware that was the case.  Separation and divorce brought me face to face with it, sharply focused.  I even remember the event that caused me to recoil in a spasm of anxiety over the whole matter.  It was dinner, in the apartment I moved into when I moved out of the house two years ago.  It was the sound of my chewing that made me stop eating and place my hands on my stomach to calm the churning that threatened a reversal in the flow of things.

I had no desire to get ill on my own cooking, alone at the table.  But I could barely finish what I had made.

Two weeks ago, it seemed a reverse revelation when I sat down to my cereal, toast and egg that sunny summer morning.  I was in my bath robe.  A mug of fresh tea by my right hand, plate in the middle and book to the left.  I even managed to not check my email first thing, and was looking through the blinds to enjoy the soft gold of the morning sky.

My chewing and slurping seemed as loud as ever within the confines of my skull.  I didn't run from it.  Rather, I found myself meditating on it.  It seemed familiar, an old hand, boon companion at the breakfast board...and I felt no anxiety, no sense of loneliness to have enough silence to hear my corporeal self going about the business of living.  It felt good to be there, in the morning, having breakfast.  Just me, the book and the silence.

In the mornings, now I carry water.  In the evenings, I chop wood.  Those are the good days, and I am living more of them here in the monastery of my Self.

20 April 2011

Sinker

Fathoms down, the pressure
and the light are alien
to you and me and ghosts,
a fade to intergalactic indigo


Breathing is no longer possible
Live while you can on the scraps,
Oxygen desaturating, starry eyed,
hands desperate to swim

But they can't, they won't,
not until fingers unclench
from around the leaden sphere
they have carried for years

The singularity in the hands
may have once been a comfort
but now is the diver's weights
on you who wish to fly

The sky is up there, waiting,
through a sheen of blue quicksilver
Just free the past from your hands,
break the surface and breathe

07 February 2011

Looking For A Boat

If I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat
Procuring a boat has become a high priority item lately.  Not a real boat, necessarily, but at least a figurative one to take me away from here and get some breathing room.  A real boat would be nice, but I don't want or need the hassle of a hole in the water into which I pour money.  A pony would be cool, my daughter would get a kick out of riding it I'm sure.  Don't know as I'm ready for the upkeep, though, I've enough complications as it is.

The idea of getting up and going, though...
The mystery masked man was smart
He got himself a Tonto
'Cause Tonto did the dirty work for free
But Tonto he was smarter
And one day said kemo sabe
"Kiss my ass, I bought a boat
I'm going out to sea"
The kemo sabes in life have gotten louder and more insistent, more up in my grill.  The chain is taut and that collar is making me choke, and they stand just out of reach...if only the collar would slip...The itch, the urge, to say "Kiss my ass" has grown stronger in the face of all the poking and provoking.

But I can't say it, not now, not yet.  This is not the time.  I'm praying I find that boat soon.



Lyrics used w/o permission, from "If I Had A Boat" by Lyle Lovett (Pontiac, 1988)

21 January 2011

Orchid Heart

I'm not a hothouse flower
because I'm weak, or timid,
or need constant attention

That's not it at all.

It's that my heart can only flourish
under certain conditions, attenuated weather
and intentional soil in which to rest

So please shut the door.

Keep in the heat, wrap me up in mist
please jesus god don't tell me,
I'll blossom only once in a lifetime.

19 December 2010

Blogjam

Unbloggable.

To borrow the term from my bloggy friend only a movie, on whose blog I first saw it, I have to say things are near to that state in the People's Republic of Gumbolia.  Unbloggable.  Give it a space (Un Bloggable) and it looks like something important from a language other than English, a language in which I wish I was fluent.

It is an odd state of affairs for me, to be in a position where I can't seem to, or maybe don't want to, write out what is going in my head.  I pride myself on words and phrases, but just now: blogjam.  It feels like I am at the bottom of a waterfall, and the deluge will not let up, and it is carrying rocks and logs, and the occasional fish.  All of these, with velocity most overwhelming.

I can't tell the cause.  It could be any number of things: fatigue, fear, cowardice, anxiety, the season.  Or simply an inability to find the words that can say what needs to be said.  Assuming, of course, that I truly have something to say.  This I also do not know.

I want to say...but I can't.
I want to understand...but I don't.
I want to be brave...but I'm not, not now.

Words usually give me courage,  but they escape me at the moment.  Is this how the sculptor feels when he picks up the mallet and chisel, only to find his heart won't let him swing his arm?

I don't know.  What I do know is that I need to find a way to get my voice back.  I held things in for too long, for years, and I'm paying the price for that silence.  This, my current silence, cannot last.  It simply cannot.

But I don't know what to say.

27 October 2010

I Got Stones In My Passway...Medical Adventures Redux

"...And my road seem dark as night
I got stones in my passway
And my road seem dark as night
I have pains in my heart
They have taken my appetite..."


So sangeth the blues master Robert Johnson, those many years ago.  I don't know if the Master was singing about kidney stones.  If he had been, it probably wouldn't have been his heart where he was lamenting the pains.

Speaking of pains, I  can say that today was a much better day, stone-wise.  I was mobile all day, did not have to resort to any of the painkillers I was prescribed.  I had a few twinges, but none of that eye-watering, curling-into-a-ball, "I am the King of Pain" nastiness that I experienced on Monday.  So far, so good, moving with the flow so to speak.

I forgot to tell you, dear readers, of what was quite possibly the funniest (unintentionally so) thing I heard during my visit to the ER day spa.  At one point I had two docs examining me, after I had been hit with the first round of IV painkillers.  I was sleepy and disoriented as the lady doc was asking me questions, did it hurt here, hurt there, I'm going to touch your belly...I mumbled my understanding and assent, and then she said, in what seemed an unusually loud voice:

"I"M GOING TO TOUCH YOUR TESTICLES NOW."  The room got very quiet. 

Yes, ma'am, don't let me keep you from your appointed duty...

I was too dopey to laugh...out loud, at least.  Fortunately, the other stones were pain-free.

15 October 2010

Exhaust Ports on the Death Star

I don't know about you, but coming face to face with personal weaknesses always disconcerts me.  Lately, it has been happening more than the law of averages would account for.  In my opinion, any way.

It used to make me angry and embarrassed with myself.  Now I just seem to sigh bemusedly and mumble to myself.  Today, I underwent two separate episodes of Weakness Realization, of two very different sorts.  One made me self-conscious, the other made me a bit worried and sad.

Second one first.  It has to do with my internal struggles on being a writer, on wanting to be a novelist.  Two years ago I would have scoffed loudly at the idea that I could/would write a book.  In the light of those days, that notion would have reeked of absurdity.  It just didn't seem possible.

Then I stepped out of my personal journals and went Webby with the blog.  Not with the idea of writing a book, mind you, or becoming an author.  It was simply to get the noise out of my head, and maybe find out what other people would do with that noise.  With the positive feedback I received, I felt more empowered to keep at it.  Again, this was without a plan to become a writer of books.  It wasn't until I started writing some things in series that people (i.e. you, dear readers) began asking me if/when I was going to write a book.  The idea then took root and certainly fired my imagination.  So, then, to the book!

Astute readers will already be saying to themselves "But, Gumbo, where's the book?"

Ah.  You see the problem.  The elephant is in the room, and it's sitting behind me, isn't it?

I begin to hear whispers about the emperor's clothes, or something like that.  This is truly the nubbin of the problem (or the "Crux O' De Biscuit" as my late brother was fond of saying).  I have not written a book.  I don't have a hard outline for a book.  Writing a book...intimidates me.

And that is the real problem.  I have a lot of ideas, but they usually manifest themselves in poems and short stories.  A lot of one-off happenings, and I have been unable to find the bridges between them.

I think in titles.  I think in short stories.  My brain seems to compose writing like DNA: small molecules of few components that have the potential, potential, to grow into something great.  Under the right combination of nature and nurture, all the noises in my head could maybe be turned into a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.  Yet, this has not happened, and I'm unsure as to why.

Well, that's not quite true.  I have an inkling of a trace of a ghost of an idea as to why.  I think there is a certain courage, or discipline, or nerve one needs to make that leap from random scribblings to coherent novel.  And I?  I can't figure out if I have it.  Maybe I do, and am just scared of the commitment.

But I sure would like to write books.

The first thing I mentioned above, in the second (long ago) paragraph?  Is not so much a weakness (or weaknesses) as it is something that could be potentially be used to take advantage of me and the soft spots in my heart.  Not necessarily for malevolent purposes, mind you, but that which could put me in a position of not being able to say no due to not entirely unpleasant befuddledness (is that even a word?).  It has to do with a realization I had today, one that I voiced to myself in the safety of my car...and put into words some wants long held but never acknowledged out loud.  Talking to myself, I had to laugh.

I'll let it go at that.  Stories for another time, perhaps...

26 August 2010

Devils' Advocate? Me?

For all the arguing and pontificating and frontin' I have done, and sometimes still do, I am a terrible advocate for myself.  I can talk at length on just about anything I know (and often on things I don't), but the one subject with whom I have the most difficulty...is myself.

Teller of tales I am, and the only story I cannot write is who I am.

More accurately,  I have a terrible time talking about me, with giving people a way to know me.  Maybe this is because in large measure, I don't know me.  This condition has been magnified in the time since I was laid off back in June.  Rewriting a resume, or defining the "brand" that is one's self has that effect.

I can get excited about all sorts of things.  I can be engaged on any number of topics, sometimes with more feeling than reason.  I tend to be a person of causes or positions rather than ideologies or dogmas.  Those causes or positions can change quickly, often driven by shifts in emotional winds rather than anything demonstrably logical.  Which is ironic, because I also tend to cling to logic, especially when under pressure to get things done or solve a problem.

Growing up, my Big Bro and I developed a facility with language that seemed to be ahead of the curve relative to many of our peers.  We both had this ability (for better or worse) to just start talking about something, anything, and eventually make ourselves sound plausible and engaging.  This gift of language* could be practical (such as talking ourselves out of trouble) or useful (such as chatting up the ladies**) or exasperating (such as talking ourselves into trouble), but it was always a near-endless source of amusement.  My brother and I often marveled together, in private, at the amazing things we could say and have people buy it, even when we knew it was hot air.***

This deeper realization of mine comes at a time in my life where I am actively looking for honesty, in myself and in others.  I do this because I have realized it is too exhausting and resource-intensive to constantly build facades and fit molds made by others.  To be successful at that, though, requires enough content about which to be honest.  It requires faith in ones' own self, thoughts and feelings.  Faith that the Self is strong enough to stand on its own, that it is okay being the individual that it is, rather than striving (and failing) to constantly meet the expectations of the universe.

This explains, perhaps, my dilemma.  The past two years have really taken me down a peg, undermining what little faith I had in myself (misguided though it may have been) to the point where I don't trust me.  I have received a ton of advice that I need to have confidence in myself, I need to believe in myself...and I have done that in the past.  But I also know that the ego can tell itself whatever it wants to hear.  The ego is free to disregard objective reality, if that reality doesn't match expectations or desires.  The ego is free to lie to itself.

This is why I have a difficult time advocating for myself.  Am I saying that which is really true, or is it all smoke and mirrors?  Mirrors in the funhouse of the mind, distorting and misdirecting.  A near-impassable thicket of reflections and illusions constructed of beliefs, not always grounded in facts.  I'm looking for a way out, even if it means I have to talk about myself.

*Uncharitable wags might say "gift of bullshit".
**To be fair, Big Bro was waaaaaay better at that than yours truly.
***Big Bro had a motto: "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit".  He. Was. Good.

13 August 2010

Have Nails, Don't Have a Hammer

Instead of writing this morning, I read a book and fell asleep.

Instead of writing this afternoon, I took photographs and looked for a job.

Instead of writing this evening,  I fled the house and went for a bike ride.

In short, I feel as if I accomplished nothing.  My head is bursting with thoughts, ideas, tirades, screeds, dialogues, poems, outrage, anxiety, resignation, joy, fear...and I can't get it to settle down.  Everyone and his brother is telling me I need to write every day.  This creates anxiety when I fail to write.  Rather, when I fail to write anything of consequence.  This I haven't felt motivated to do because of my life situation, and because I keep reading amazing, wonderful things that others have written, and I think to myself..."It's been done."  I know, I know, I'm supposed to disregard that notion.  I'm supposed to believe that I am the Shizznit, my voice matters, I'm interesting, I have a "unique" perspective, blah, blah blah...

That may be true.  I cannot trust myself to offer an objective, realistic assessment of the writing I do.  Often it's too close and I fail to spot the flaws.  Other times I suffer from the old problem of not wanting to risk rejection, because these are my ideas.  Ideas are important to me.  Perhaps I place too much stock in the ideas being the measure of the person, and this is the root of the problem.

I once told myself, back when I was consumed by the brashness of youth, that without ideas, I am nothing.  Without ideas I have nothing to differentiate myself from slime-molds, rocks or chimpanzees.  The body is a meat suit that exists to transport the brain and manifest its wishes and reactions.  It is the mind that is the repository of everything that matters.  The vault that holds the ideas.

The crisis: I have relied on ideas for so long, trusting that I would know what I am doing, and look where I am.  Jobless, lonely and wondering what in the hell I am going to do next.

Because I don't know. I have no ideas.

There is a line in a song* by the Avett Brothers that says "Decide what to be and go be it".  The phrase has been swirling around in my head for days now.  It sounds so simple.  I wish I could decide what to be.

For me to decide what to be, I have to return to the ideas I have had and have been having about myself, and what I want.  It pains me, makes me anxious, to sift through the ideas in my head and be excited by what I find.  The excitement is great.  There is, however, no trust.  My notions of who I was, who I wanted to be, have been tossed out the window by what has come to pass.  What once was light has become weight.

Tonight I sit here with my laptop, pounding the keys in an attempt to shed some weight.  There are many things I want to be, many things I think I want to be, but what of those are the things I need to be?

I'm clutching a handful of nails, and cursing my lack of a hammer.  Tell me, who do I want to be?

*Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise from I and Love and You.

28 July 2010

Cattle Dislike It, Too

Branding. Brand yourself. What is the brand that is "you"?

It is a simple question, on the surface. It gave me pause, but only after the seminar was over. The afternoon was spent in consultation with 49 of my peers, trying to define our individual brands. When I say peers, I mean other people "between employments", as the current language calls our joblessness.

As an aside, I feel the same way about that phrase as I do about calling a used car "previously owned": plus ungood.

Anyway, it was a group of us professionals who are unemployed or between jobs or making career transitions, and we were each a mini-corporation trying to define an image. Just like Nike, Coca-Cola or any other company that has some sort of iconic touchstone.

There was a lot of creative energy in the room, tinged a bit with puzzlement and the faintest whiff of cynicism. I managed to set aside most of my weariness and skepticism to dive in to the best of my ability. Believe it or not, I even engaged in some public speaking. Most of the time I avoid public speaking like I would avoid an aerosolized tankful of medical waste. Which is to say, I would run away as quickly as possible while holding my breath.

There was the typical small group exercise, which I did enjoy. It was fun to connect with people, tap into their ideas and energy and share thoughts on what we think we are, what we want to be. We all made lists of descriptive words and then tried to come up with a tag line* whereby potential employers or clients would recognize us and what we can do for them. It was to be along the lines of "Good to the last drop" or "Just Do It", but connecting the Brand (me) with the Client (employer) base. Fun and games, folks, but something happened to me on the drive home that really threw me into the weeds. As usual, it involved music.

I became aware that I don't know me.**

The trigger was "The Sweet Part of the City" by The Hold Steady. The song came on, I was daydreaming a little, and the slide guitar in the song is killer. Craig Finn isn't singing about being unemployed, but the lyrics combined with that guitar really hit me hard. I suddenly felt terribly alone, and weightless. I saw myself sitting on a derelict dock down at harbor, sunlight glinting on railroad tracks behind me. Just me and the gulls and gravel, and I'm crooning to the ocean. The sun is going down, as it should be. For reasons unknown, I started thinking about my brother, and how much I miss him. I wept.

The weight of worthlessness and isolation came crashing down on me. Trying to drive while figuring out who I am, or who I was, or who I am supposed to be...I couldn't do it. If I had been on a road trip, that would have been the time to pull the car over, kill the engine and go to sleep in the back seat. I was very close to home, as it was, so I did the next best thing. I parked the car at the curb, wiped my face and headed inside to collapse on the couch. My hands could barely support the weight of my head.

The essence of Me made marketable, employable...and I don't really know it anymore. Maybe I never did. The things that I was may not be the things I am, or need to be. Reconciliation of all the threads in this frayed rope of a life is slipping through some weary fingers. I can call myself all sorts of names, pile on the keywords and the adjectives...but now? None of it seems to fit, and that hurts.

Branding. Ask the cattle how they feel about being marked with a red-hot iron. Ask them if it is necessary.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am in no way affiliated with mp3bounce(dot)com, no compensation or endorsement was received, given or implied. Typical YouTube shenanigans...it was the best I could get for the song, the name just happened to be on the video. I am also not a paid spokesman for The Hold Steady...but I can say THS makes some awesome music.

*I won't reveal mine...yet. I'm too self-conscious, and I'm still working on it.
**Yes, its been said before. Yes, its a cliche. It also happens to be the Truth.

22 July 2010

Trash Trees

The damn trees or overgrown vines or what have you, they are going to die.

Ordinarily, I'm not so bloodthirsty (sapthirsty?) when it comes to flora and foliage. This time, its different. This time, it is almost personal. I do have a conscience about it, I have apologized to the vines. As I cut and pulled, tugged and strained, I felt bad that I was ripping them off the shrubs and trees around my yard.

But they wouldn't stop growing. Not when I asked nicely. Not when there wasn't much rain. They just kept growing. The electric lines, out in the alley alongside the house, began to disappear under a shaggy filigree of leaves and tendrils. Maybe I was just wigged out by all those leaves, advancing by the inch day after day (or so it seemed), but weren't the lines beginning to sag from the weight?

Maybe. I did see where the vines were beginning to choke out the trees. I could stand it no longer. Last night I broke down and bought a pair of heavy duty pruning shears, small ones, because that is all I could afford. I had to buy some bug spray, too, but that is a subject for another post.

So I have the shears in my hands, feeling all badass because Ima get medieval on them vines. The heat and the humidity were stifling as I plunged into the greenery up against the fence. No stopping now, I had the vine in my hands. It was about twice as big as the recommended maximum size noted on the shear pack.

No matter. I was unlocked and ready to cut. Gnaw, actually. I had to make repeated cuts to make it all the way through, but sever the vine I did. I grabbed more vines, cutting and gnawing like a crazed rodent. Leaves fell, curses were muttered, things snapped.

Regrettably, it felt good. 

Soon, I had a big pile of severed vines at my feet. Leaf bits fluttered languidly to earth in the thick air. Birds scolded me for disturbing their evening activities. I wiped the sweat from my brow and closed the clippers. I was soaked, tired and a wee bit sad.

Those vines left tangled in the trees and wrapped around the wires will wither and die. That will make it easier for me to remove them once they are brown and dry. This troubled me. I know they should be removed so other things don't get messed up...but they were just leaves and tendrils, green and growing. Vines fulfilling their 'vineness'. And I had to destroy them.

I was sad because it wasn't just a safety and convenience rationale that justified cutting them down. The reason in the shadows, the subconscious drive, was I felt I needed to control something. I needed to exert control over something in my environment to gain some measure of control over my life.

Because its been a lot of weeds lately. I feel like if I stand still, they will grow over me. It's terribly difficult to cut what you cannot see, so the vines in my yard became the stand-ins. I take no real pleasure in destruction, but the weeds, they are too thick.

I do not want to be overgrown. 

25 May 2010

Controlled Experiment

Man in the mirror
is not Michael Jackson,
goddamnit, he sighs, no
thank God I'm not

or maybe...no, best avoid
that place, because being known,
while secretly desired,
scares him quite pale

Desolate dinner of chicken nuggets
he swore he would cut back,
but their gravity is too strong
and they take the blame

tonight, swallowing the last bit
of deep fried melancholy
the scientist acknowledged
a long-buried suspicion:

His life, a controlled experiment
in the hermetic womb of a mindlab
become killing jar of the soul,
would not survive contact with reality.

23 May 2010

One In A Million

rain falls outside on greening grass
birds chatter and the sound,
a dreich counterpoint to human song

that claims "I'm a million
different people,
from one day to the next"

heard it all before
still split of mind
as to that million:

afraid I'm infinity plus one

13 March 2010

This Is Not My Beautiful House

With all the shite swirling around me, it seems David Byrne is soundtracking my life. Damnit.

The iGumbopod came to life again, as I was dropping Wee Lass off at the house, after her weekend visitation with me. It was just after sundown, with a little bit of sunglow left in a sky that was looking like an old bruise. I stepped out of the car, looked across the parking lot at the place I used to live...and it hit full force: That is not my beautiful house...Cue Once In A Lifetime again!

The ground shifted suddenly, I drew in a sharp breath and watched everything waver like I was looking up through a swimming pool. The dizziness caught me off guard and I think I may have reached out a hand to steady myself against the car. It was trippy and unsettling. A shake of the head and another deep breath brought me back to earth. I went around and opened the door for my daughter, who was bubbling with eagerness to see mom and thankfully, had no idea what had just happened to me.

Walking with her to the door, I felt like a stranger, an alien, die Ausländer...in a place that I used to know so very well. It had been my home for thirteen (how's that for a coincidence?) years. It had been a place that I had left and returned to every day for all that time. Now, it looked like something new, or something that I had been away from years longer than the ten months it had been.

Drop off went well, the lass was cheerful, and I had the glow of a weekend well spent with the apple o' my eye. The drive home was not so good. Turn the key, start the engine then sob over the steering wheel. As I pulled out onto the highway I was overwhelmed by waves of dislocation and rootlessness. By rootlessness I mean as if I once had roots, deep roots, but then they were ripped away and I was cast into a swift river. The banks I once knew receded into the mist behind me and I just floated away...

The echoes rang in my ear when I pulled in to park on the lot next to the building that has my apartment. Open the door, out of the car, that same weird dislocation. The walk to my door seemed to drag out, much longer than it should have taken. I slide the key into the lock, turned the lever that still feels strange in my hand, and walked into the collection of rooms that has sheltered me since I moved out last year.

Sheltered me. For this I am grateful. I would have to be an utter dunderhead to not appreciate a warm, dry place to eat, sleep and hang my clothes. Yet I was still possessed of that alien feeling, a nomad outside the city walls, and it was driven home by this singular thought:

This, too, is not my beautiful house, and it will never be...

12 May 2009

Desert Bloom Got Rolled

Coyote did not often trouble himself by meddling in the affairs of men, but this night was different. He could sense it, a dull tang in the air like watered rust, ozone before the storm. A sense of anxiousness clung to him, and he was unable to chase it away by his usual habit of running through the scrub to scare up jackrabbits, just for fun. The rabbits seemed particularly skittish tonight, and Coyote took no real pleasure in making them run. Something was in air, and Coyote was sorely vexed to out a name on it. After a few halfhearted runs up the draw, he gave up and made his way to the top of the ridge that looked out over the distant city belonging to man. The glow of the lights made a pearly smudge on the underside of a thin, mottled layer of clouds scudding across the sky. A nacreous sliver of moon peeked through now and then, augmenting the silvery wash of starlight over the desert. The wan light made it possible for Coyote to see the faint track of a gravelly path snaking through the brush down below. He knew it well, having learned that men with guns often used it to drive their trucks over, looking for antelope, ocelots…and sometimes coyotes. Coyote slowly eased his furry haunches to the cool rock ledge, settling down to wait. He breathed deep, the night air heavy with the scent of saguaro blossoms.

A faint rustling and whirring rose from the desert floor. Long-nosed bats were feeding heavy on the saguaros. Coyote could catch glimpses of them occasionally, flitting swiftly about and perching delicately on the cacti to sup on the sweet nectar in the flowers. He did not think often of the bats because he never troubled himself to wonder what they might taste like. Voles, mice and rabbits were much more to his taste. Sometimes Coyote would eat crickets or berries if the pickings were otherwise slim. Tonight, though, he watched the bats intently, finding their aerobatics fascinating for some unfathomable reason. It was during this study that he became aware of a new sound coming from farther off. It was a crackling, crunchy sound not unlike the snapping of tiny bones between his jaws. Coyote’s ears perked up and he raised his head to look further out for the source of the sound.

It was then that he saw it: a faint glow approaching through the scrub farther out toward the city. The glow was moving closer, and Coyote could tell the noise was connected to the glow. He stood up, pupils dilating and sniffing the breeze. His fur rose reflexively, part fear and part curiosity. Abruptly the glow cut out, but the noise continued growing louder. Coyote saw a faint plume of dust trailing out behind a bulky, black object rolling along the track below. The noise changed to a growl and the big van (for that is what it was, although Coyote had no name for the thing) accelerated into a bend in the track. He reckoned it was some humans out hunting or maybe looking for a saguaro to carry off, as they sometimes did.

The van did not stop this time. As it rounded the curve, Coyote saw it speed up. There was a low booming sound as a gaping hole opened up in the side of the vehicle. Coyote could see the faint outlines of two humans standing in the middle of the van. Between them they held something that looked like a sack, or a loose bundle of something. Coyote peered harder and recognized the shapes as humans, two standing and holding a third by its arms. The middle human flopped to and fro as the van lurched over the track. The two standing humans swung the third by the arms and hurled it out of the side of the van. There was a faint sound of coarse laughter, and the door in the side rolled swiftly shut with a thud, loud in the desert night. Coyote watched as the body tumbled a short distance to come to rest face down in the undergrowth. He waited a few minutes, but the human did not move. Overcome by curiosity, Coyote glided down the slope to investigate.

The van slewed around the curve, the driver barely steering out of a skid that would have taken the vehicle off the track and into the scrub. The two men standing in the back cursed loudly as they struggled to keep their balance, hands smacking into the warm metal of the sides. One let loose with an oath as he cut himself on an unprotected edge near the door frame. The second man hurled invectives at the driver, calling into question his maternal ancestry and general lack of intelligence. The driver just laughed and flipped them the bird over his shoulder. He told the two passengers to hurry up with the task, get rid of the “cargo”, and the quotation marks were nearly visible in the close air inside the van. The two looked down at the battered heap laying on the floor between them. Closer inspection revealed it to be a person, unconscious or dead maybe only a physician could tell. The two men grabbed the body roughly by the arms as the taller of the two swiftly drew the door open, slamming it wide open. With grunts almost in unison, they lifted the body and swung it once, twice and then hurled it out the door into the desert. The shorter of the two laughed loudly as the body hit the gravelly shoulder and bounced before rolling into the brush. The door slammed shut as the van accelerated up the track to turn towards the city. A spray of rocks and sand blew over the body, adding insult to already significant injury. The growl of the engine grew faint as the van made its way back to the nearby road, its lights springing to life as it turned onto the pavement. The body did not move, and the desert sounds slowly drew in around it.

Coyote made his way down the hill. The bats cheeped and whirred over his head as he paused to make sure the other humans were not coming back. Several minutes later, he resumed his progress, sniffing the human on the breeze. Coyote could see the sky beginning to lighten faintly. Sunrise was not far away.

Shock. Impact. The body rolled to a heavy stop, a loose sack of potatoes thudding into the sagebrush and creosote bushes. It was badly beaten, patches of blood on the torn undershirt and blue jeans that clung to the battered frame. Its limbs lay loosely in that posture peculiar to the deep sleeper…or the dead. Which was this was still uncertain. The dust from the passing of the van slowly settled over the body. It did not move. A slow, thin trickle of blood seeped out of its mouth to coagulate the sand under its cheek, heavy blood pearls beading on the desert floor.

There was no watch on its wrists, or rings on its fingers. The undershirt was untucked and the outlines of scrapes and deep bruises could be seen mottling the flesh of the torso. Closer inspection also would reveal that only the left foot still carried a shoe, a scuffed and badly worn brown leather shoe. The right was clad only in a torn and dirty white crew sock. The sock was heavily spotted with blood. The legs were crossed at the ankles, a comic result of the body rolling that made it look as if dancing a jig.

Coyote stepped from the underbrush just a few feet from the body. He sniffed cautiously trying to tell if there was any life there. No movement, but Coyote thought he could sense a faint heat. He crept forward, pausing every so often. Just as he came within touching distance, the body abruptly moved and began making loud, booming noises. Coyote backpedaled furiously, turning swiftly to dive into a nearby clump of brush. The body shook, the arms and hands twitching as Coyote watched it struggle to lift itself out of the dirt.

Pain. Near-blinding throb in his jaw. The man groaned loudly as he forced himself up. A thick stream of spittle and blood cascaded out of his mouth. He was in so much pain he could not close his mouth. Slow torture as he sat upright, rocking slightly from the waves of agony coursing through him. He eased his eyes open, blinking away a film of blood, sweat and dust. Sweet relief as the stars and clouds swam into focus. I can see, he whispered through a mouth that felt filled with mush, I can see.

I’m not dead.

He laughed, or tried to laugh as the action wracked him with pain.

I’m not dead. They didn’t kill me. Ha. Fuck them.

The man stayed in that position for some minutes. His breathing slowly settled into a steady rhythm, becoming less ragged as he focused himself. The pain began to ebb as the sky began to lighten. When he felt strong enough, the man pulled his feet under him and attempted to stand. His first try failed, nearly fainting from pain and dizziness. A few deep breaths and he made it to his feet on the second attempt. He stood, swaying slightly, and slowly scanned the horizon to get his bearings. He spied the city far off and a crooked grin creased his face. The pain in his jaw was intense.

Coyote watched intently, wondering if the man had seen him. So far, there was no indication that the human had discovered the hiding place. Coyote watched as the man slowly patted himself down, hands searching the pockets.

The man steadied himself and took a slow inventory. No watch. Ring and jacket gone. Belt and one shoe missing. Sock bloody and looking more like a hole than a piece of cloth. He felt a lump in his left pocket, and he discovered a wad of crumpled bills, tens and twenties, in the right. The lump turned out to be his cell phone. Amazingly, it still worked. The faint LED glow lit up the man’s face as he grinned.

Sonofabitch. They forgot the phone.

He sighed and then gasped as a sharp lashing of pain lanced through his jaw. He thought some teeth were missing, and a gentle probing of his tongue confirmed it.

Damn. Well, I still have some money, and I ain’t dead, either.

He looked up again towards the city and it was then he saw Coyote watching him from the brush. Another big grin, and he beckoned to the animal.

Come on out, Trickster. I ain’t gonna hurt you.

Coyote found himself walking slowly, tentatively towards the man, their eyes locked on one another, a hand outstretched. Coyote extended his snout out sniffing gently at the fingertips.

Stay with me, Trickster. I could use the company to help me get back over yonder, the man gestured with his chin towards the distant city, and I reckon you and me could be fine friends.

The man began to hobble painfully towards the far road and erstwhile civilization. Coyote hung back while trying to make up his mind to follow or stay. The man shuffled to a halt. He turned back to Coyote, the man’s face a grotesque mask of contusions in the early dawn light.

Come, my friend, we have work to do. The mask split into a feral grin. Coyote felt his heart open and he understood the man, knowing they were brothers of a sort. He leapt to his feet, and the two made their slow, uncertain way across the desert floor.

Behind them, against the rosy sky, the saguaro blossoms began to close and the bats returned to their places of mystery, to await the fall of night and the hunt for nectar.

14 December 2008

Monkey Wrenched While Searching All My Life

“One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than
I could fit into my head I still remember
Every single word you said and all the
Shit that somehow came along with it
Still there's one thing that comforts me
Since I was always caged and now I'm free “

-From “Monkey Wrench” by Foo Fighters

I admit I am jealous. I wish I could sing that passage at full volume in one breath like Dave Grohl (at least, it sounds like he does it one breath) but I cannot. I always have to take at least two, sometimes three intermediate breaths, especially in order to carry out that last screaming sentence. This sounds great in my car. I hope I haven’t disturbed any of my fellow commuters with my cathartic performances.

The song itself took on new meaning for me since I looked up the lyrics a few months ago, on THIS LINK from the Foo Fighters website. I thought I knew most of the words, and I did, but what really got my attention was the little explanation from Dave Grohl, up near the masthead. When you listen to “Monkey Wrench”, it soon becomes apparent what is meant. He doesn’t want to be a problem for someone else. When I read the explanation, though, it presented a nuance I had not previously picked up: to cease to be a problem means to end that relationship in which one is the source of the problem. The song is about relationship between individuals, but could easily be applied to groups, or even a relationship with oneself.

Twisted, no? It came to mind this past week as I was ruminating (cursing and screaming) on having been laid off from my job. Why is that? Because whenever something has gone wrong in my working life, especially this extreme, I never really stopped to consider the consequences of my own behaviors. In the past, my own ego was getting in the way, obscuring the real events before my eyes and the feelings in my own heart. My first bout of unemployment years ago was triggered by similar events as the current crisis. But at the time I gave no mind to own behaviors prior to the layoff. It was not until years later that it hit me that maybe I had been too cavalier in my approach to building a career. I suppose there were things I could have done, hours I could have spent, that would have made me less of a target come layoff time. This was my Ego blinding me; I thought I was gold-plated and bulletproof. When I got laid off, it was THEIR problem, a mistake that THEY would realize after I was gone, suckas!

In short, I was a foolish young man. It continued, for years and years. I made three job changes voluntarily in the span of about sixteen years, each time after slowly increasing unhappiness that I believed to be the result of circumstances entirely external to myself. Ha. What a fool I was. Tricked by my own ego.

So it was with my last (lost) job. This time it was different, and I knew it. Since the death of my first two children in 2003, I have spent an inordinate amount of time in my own head, trying to figure out what really makes me tick. In that time I slowly came to understand the reasons behind my unhappiness: I kept taking jobs that repeated the mistakes I was making. This time, I knew in my heart that what I was doing (project manager) was not what I was suited to do. But I did it anyway, for the money, for the security, for the sake of justifying my degree.

Too bad I wasn’t doing something that also made me happy. I had the epiphany earlier this year that I was indeed very unhappy, and it showed. It affected my performance, in ways subtle and far-reaching, and not nearly as invisible as I convinced myself they were. The people around me knew it as well. Most of them were too nice (or maybe too polite) to confront me directly, and thick-headed as I was (my nickname as a baby was ‘The Bull’) I knew but didn’t acknowledge the fallout. There were times where I was probably not as discreet as I should have been, and I am not so naïve as to think that had nothing to do with me getting the pink slip. Was it the primary or sole reason? No. The economics of the situation say otherwise. I’ll take some cold comfort there.

But I do know this: I was becoming, perhaps had always been, my own personal monkey wrench. My heart and my subconscious were acting out, because my conscious mind was blinded by ego and an inability to admit that mistakes had been made. Thus, this layoff I take to be a sign. It is time to start making the tool work for me, instead of being worked by the tool.

“Don't want to be your monkey wrench
One more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench”

Well said, Dave Grohl. Ha! The Foo Fighters helped me see the light!