27 December 2009

On Not Being A Wolf

I have lived among the wolves, not as a wolf, but in their midst. At times, especially when I was a younger man, I thought myself a wolf. I enjoyed the camaraderie, the pleasure of the hunt, the communal howl at the moon.

But I was never a wolf, myself. My heart was always uneasy at the prospect of the kill.

As I grew older and perhaps wiser, and definitely slower the look in the eyes of my fellow lupine brothers turned from one of brotherhood to one of hunger. I was too absorbed in the maintenance of life to notice. One day, I turned my head to see the pack had disappeared from behind me...only to be seized violently by the throat before I could turn my head to the front.

I fought hard, fought with desperate energy born of sudden fear. I fought dirty. I fought ugly.

I became the animal I pretended I never was, all for the sake of survival. I became sick at the realization of the things I would do...to live.

Some have labeled me overly sensitive, some have mistaken my reluctance to engage for weakness. This I cannot control. I will not let that dictate my life choices, and the error will lie with them.

I run from the wolves not from fear for my life; I know I can survive contact with the pack, I have done so on many occasions.

No, I run from the wolves because I no longer want to be in the pack. I no longer desire to be the animal they need me to be. I respect the wolves for what they are...and in turn, I expect them to return the favor. In the meantime, I run, howling for myself and no others...

8 comments:

  1. And I wonder, does your howl greet them or warn them away? You may need them some day. Will they defend you or be circling you with the other predators?

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  2. Good for you! Do what you have to do to be true to yourself. So many people don't do that.

    Emotions are a funny thing and we all have our own way of dealing with them.

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  3. very good
    and thats all i have to say about that.

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  4. After Christmas sales are a bitch!

    Seriously, well done...and too true

    Peace ~ Rene

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  5. I carry wolf bane these days. As a single woman, it helps keep the dogs at bay. I figure I'll recognize the right canine for me when I can see past his teeth, into his heart. Till then, nice to know there are pack leaders in the field that we can look up to.

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  6. howl to your own music my man

    oldman irish

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  7. oh but you are fierce in your own right

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"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."


-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...