05 January 2009

Smack My Cucumber Bitch Up

As often happens, when I get the idea of something in my head, whether it be a word, an idea, a song, they stay there for days or weeks. Circling around and around until I DO something with them. In this case, I couldn’t take it any longer. The only way to get rid of the ideas was to write about it. So I present to you, for your edification and delight, this following amuse bouche for the mind. Enjoy!

On the road back home, from Virginia to Maryland:
It’s Daddy’s turn to pick the satellite radio station, so we are listening to Lithium XM54, all the greatest of ‘90’s alternative and such. There was a lot of good stuff playing, Wee Lass was quiet, and I was starting to drift off. The volume was up, because Wee Lass frequently asks us to ‘turn a’up louder!’. There had been some U2, some Nirvana. Then a song comes on that I hadn’t heard in a long time. I smiled at the opening chords, couldn’t quite remember the name. I said, sleepily,
‘Haven’t heard this in forever!’

From the back seat: “Daddy, what’s this song?”

I opened my left eye to look at the console. The Spouse was looking at it too. She looked at me, I looked at her. (Dim recollection that Wee Lass is starting to know words) Our hands were a blur trying to reach the channel button. Fortunately, XM Kids is on preset.

“I don’t know, sweet pea. Hey, Imagination Movers!”

Wee Lass smiles, and looks content.

That was close. The song?
Smack My Bitch Upby Prodigy*:

Lying in bed, at home, a few nights later. In a rare moment of quiet repose, I am reading, really reading a genuine BOOK. This is one of the things that I treasure, I love to read and have ever since I learned how. In recent years, I have developed an obsession with food and cooking. Not just the pretty pictures of things I want other people to make for me, but information and recipes that I want to learn and make for myself. A recent thread I have been following is Chinese cooking. Not American Chinese, but authentic Chinese. The stuff that Chinese people living in China make for themselves. One of the best Western interpreters of the vast array of Chinese food that exists is Fuschia Dunlop, a Londoner who lived in, reported from, and trained in China for many years. She has a number of books published, one a memoir and one called Land of Plenty, which is on Sichuanese cooking. ‘Land of Plenty’ is excellent, I was cooking stuff out of it soon after I finished it. The one I am reading on this particular night is on Hunanese cooking, called The Revolutionary Chinese Cookbook. It is off to a good start, I’m diggin’ it:

Me: ….HA!
The Spouse: (politely ignoring me)
Me: ….HA!
The Spouse: (sighs) What?
Me: This recipe. It’s for something called ‘Smacked Cucumbers’. That sounds cool!
The Spouse: Smacked cucumbers? Ouch.
Me: Yeah, they call it that because before you marinate the cukes, you ‘smack’ them hard with the side of a cleaver, until they split and get all jagged. That way, they absorb the flavors better before you cook them! Awesome!
The Spouse: I ain’t eating any smacked cucumbers. Weirdo.

A day or so later, I had a really bizarre dream. I was standing in a kitchen, chopping up stuff. There was some music playing, and someone turned it up really loud. Guess what song it was? I looked down to find myself smacking the hell out of a big pile of cucumbers, and shouting “Smack my bitch up!” along with the song. The other people in the kitchen just stared at me.

Happy eating, comrades!

*I linked to the ‘nicer’ video clip for this song, because the ‘banned’ version was just scary. And nasty. I don’t rattle that easy, but still…I have enough trouble sleeping as it is. You may want to compare for the sake of curiosity, but you have been warned. ;)


  1. Now I feel like smacking something.

  2. With a title like that, is it wrong that I was hoping for.... uh, I mean, expecting... a totally porny post? (Guess I'm just a big old horn dog.)
    PS- My word verification is potooter. Ahem...

  3. THIRD!!!

    LOL @ 'smacked cucumbers'! I've never heard that term before. Of course, I'm no culinary expert. Actually, putting my name and culinary in the same sentence is a wee bit of a stretch... :D

    BTW - my word verification is cucumber. I'm not kidding. OK, I am, but how cool would that BE?

  4. I will personally never look at a cucumber again and not think of smacking it. :)

  5. Yeah I have been known to run to Smack My Bitch Up only for the nice beat though : ) They had on the radio the other day "Too Drunk To F**k? Not the cool Sex Pistols one but the Buck Cherry version I couldnt believe it! I want to duck tape my daughters ears closed!

  6. There are two proven ways to get a song out of your head. Listen to it all the way through or do math.

    Race you to iTunes!

  7. I've been smacking cucumbers for years.
    Oh ... wait a minute ....?

  8. I've been having weird dreams lately too...

    Smacking cucumbers sounds like a dirty term, maybe you'll start a trend...

  9. I can't go smackin' the cucumbers without apologizing to the melon balls....

  10. My, my...I may have to smack a cucumber one of these days...I mean in the kitchen of course! ;) Oh yes..we so have to watch the lyrics in today's modern music around little ears or they'll be singing them out loud! Reminds me of the time when my mom and I were driving and some idiot pulled out in front of us and my little one went flying about the back seat..in her 36 yr old carseat (pieces of crap back then) and I yelled at the guy..."you son of a bitch, you hurt my baby!" Later Tam was riding her tricycle in a circle sayin' "Sumbitch hurt my baby, sumbitch hurt my baby!" in her little singsong voice. Yikes!

  11. You have both of those books?! You are so cool! Which recipes have you cooked? Haven't had a chance to try any of them yet. Have been wanting to try the red braised pork (Chairman Mao's favourite!).

  12. oh smacking cucumbers just seems so wrong for some reason....Maybe it is the word SMACK? Perhaps if you had said Whack the cucumber? I dunno....at least you are cultivating some good taste in wee lass, taints from prodigy aside

  13. The poor translation that travels between English and Chinese is pure comedy. Makes me think that our word for chicken matches their word for kitty.

    and my word is atelip. for realz.

  14. Oh my, Irish. Mum says that's seriously strange - smashing cucumbers up in your dreams. I've no idea what 'phallic' is but mum reckons there's something phallic about that - in her view anyway. But hey, mum's weird. Also, if you smash cucumbers, won't they go kind of mushy? Mum says you'd love the street food in Hong Kong if you're a fan of real rather than western Chinese.

  15. I love the trying to shield wee lass from song i.d. Classic.

    January is the time for bizarre dreams! Keep writing them down. :-)

  16. When you said smacking a cucumber I TOTALLY thought of something else.

    I am SO with you on the idea thing. Often something will pop into my head, and roll around, kind of percolating until I HAVE to write it down. Then, I make room for another little seed that begins to roll around.......
    you get it........

  17. Irish,

    You continue to surprise and disturb.


  18. You are an interesting human being. I mean that as a compliment, I swear!

  19. I'd smack a cucumber with a cleaver in a heartbeat, oh hellz yes. Eat it too.

    I love genuine Chinese, too (in fact, I love Asian cuisine in just about any form). I have an absolutely dynamite recipe for Sichuan Dry-Fried Beef that I may post, although it will make some of my readers groan.


    OK, I was wondering where you were going with this story when I saw the title. And it sure wasn't Chinese cooking! But apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking that. An interesting human being indeed!

  21. Oh, sweet baby Jesus in his manger.

    The image of you smacking cucumbers while listening to Prodigy is making my head spin.

    That was great stuff.

  22. Now, I have "Smack the bitch up" and "Brainstorming" in my head jockeying for which one will torment me. Thanks, Irish. :-)

  23. I just have to tell you that LaLa said her first curse word due to a song on TV. You remember that song from the 90's that went "Damn! I wish I was lover" by Sophie B. Hopkins well LaLa heard it and next thing I know the 2 year old is singing it in the back seat. As much as I wanted to be the "good" parent, I couldn't help it, I just bust out laughing.

  24. I always end up running for the computer when some old school NWA or Public Enemy pops up.

    "Do what to the police, daddy?"

  25. KMcJoseph: Just make sure it can’t smack you back (unless you are into that sort of thing…)

    Robin: I wouldn’t say its wrong so much as interesting ;) And ‘Smack My potooter’ , that is a post for another day, my dear.

    GF: ‘Embrace the cucumber’ my friend. No, wait, that doesn’t sound right. ‘Find the cucumber within you’, AIIGH, no that’s not it either. Oh, hell, just get in the kitchen and SMACK!

    SM: Make sure you are among friends if you decide to try!

    Sarah: Oh, lawd, Wee Lass isn’t getting anywhere near my ‘Never Mind The Bollocks’ CD, no way!

    Mister: Math? Ahh, yep, iTunes it is!

    24@Heart: Let’s hope they were okay with it…

    IAG: I would be so proud: my legacy, ‘Smackin’ Cucumbers!’…

    Sweet Cheeks: Oh, snap! The melon balls do tend to be a bit more sensitive.

    Cw2smom: Are you sure Tam hadn’t reading Cormac MacCarthy? (grin) I know. My censor button stopped working long ago, and now with Wee Lass on board, it’s hard work getting the filter back in place!

    Supreme Leader: Cool for having cookbooks? Are you hitting on me? (grin) I have been messing with the noodle dishes ( dan dan, Mr. Xie’s sea-flavor, etc. ) from Land of Plenty, haven’t worked my up to the more complex stuff. And I do have my eye (and stomach) on that red-braised pork, yummy…

    SSP: But maybe it feels just so RIGHT…sorry, the devil made me say that. The recipe directions do say to whack them with a cleaver. Ouch.

    Pamela: Please to enjoy your Happy chicken with China delicious sauce! (Thankfully, atelip is nowhere to be found in the cookbook…)

    Henry: Now I’m really worried! Phallic? Mine or someone elese’s? AIIGHH! (shaking head violently) Okay, that’s better. The trick is to smack them (giggle) gently (giggle) until they just barely crack (snort). I’ll stop now. And I seriously would love to get to Hong Kong!

    OAM: It has only become necessary recently, because she has learned to read a bit. I’m scared…

    VM: The “something else” is only for my other, more private blog. Har! I get it, quite. Sometimes I wish they would just leave me alone sometimes…

    IB: Mission accomplished! Oh, and don’t get me started about the ‘Firestarter/Barney the Dinosaur’ combo I had. Whew!

    Jan: Rawr. You can visit my kitchen anytime. Sichuan Dry-Fried Beef: don’t hold out on me, spill! But groan, in a good way..?

    Joanie: Young lady! Shame on you! Okay, not so much. You are in good company. And thanks!

    MD: *snort* hadn’t heard that one in a while! Just so you know, “Sweet Baby Jesus” is a whole different recipe. Thank you!

    SK: “We always hurt the ones we love (in a good way)” ;) Always happy to help!

    Kat: Sometimes a cuss word is the only word that fits. The first, and ONLY, time Wee Lass said “Goddamnit” I nearly herniated myself trying not to laugh! And yes, it was MY fault…

    Braja: To eat or to smack? Remember, be gentle…

    Captain: “Cooperate fully, son, cooperate fully!” Oh, jeez, another spit take…

  26. I only popped over here to grab your email address, so I could send you a quick note to say thank you for visiting today, BUT, then I read the catchy "Smack my cucumber bitch up" title and had to read your post.
    *sigh* I have no work ethic anyway.
    Why, WHY, do men do the "Ha" thing....and then wait for us to acknowlegde, instead of just coming right out and telling us? You know we're not going to listen to you anyway.

  27. Sherendipity: My dear, that's so us guys can create the illusion of true two-way participation (our egos can use all the help we can get). Hope you enjoyed the visit!

  28. You can imagine my chagrin when, after accidetally exposing my ears to the hell that is My Heart Will Go On, I dreamt of the pig heart I dissected in the fourth grade. Only this time, it turned the white plastic butter knife on me. With Celine Dion playing in the background. And I still think the song wast the worst part of that dream.

  29. Cat:
    Oh my gawd, It is to weep! And I thought I was having bad dreams...

  30. This is my first visit here. I am enchanted by your bucolic illustration of family life. I have breathed a sigh of relief that I know [of] at least two people now, who also have these twisted experiences!

  31. ya know, i'm not gonna be able to get that phrase outta my head for days "smack my cucumber bitch up" ... sounds like an S&M veggie fetish song

    ...and one that I'd probably be walking around singing all the time.

  32. When I was a kid (just last year), I remember singing, "I'm your Penis, I'm your ball of joy, desire." Well, it made perfect sense to me.

    When my kids were young, they wanted an explanation for ZZ Tops' "She Wore a Pearl Necklace."

    I said, her boyfriend bought her jewelry, and he really digs it. 'k?


  33. DC: S & M? You mean, like squash and 'maters, right? (grin)

    FL: OMG, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that! HA! And that explanation for "Pearl Necklace" is awesome. That could be a real lifesaver, mind if I keep it in my back pocket? :)

  34. I think ... oh I don't know it's still the pollution...

  35. uh huh .. squash & maters. what else would it have been? hmm?!?!

    shove over, would ya? you're taking up my gutter space ;)


    I just..it was...funny!!!

  37. Oh man, this post made me so glad I stopped by. That was epic, in every sense of the word.

    It's only a matter of time before 'smack my cucumber' takes over the internet. I know it's got me by the potatoes already...

  38. Poor cucumbers never stood a chance! :) I know the feeling of scurrying to turn the channel/dial as quickly as possible. Now I get hailed into the livingroom to listen to her favorite YouTube something or other and she's giggling and I'm blushing through it...and I certainly don't rattle easily either!


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...