In my spare time, I fancy myself a writer. I scratch out stuff, jot down ideas, leave cryptic notes to myself. Sometimes I have really sniff out the ideas, searching, searching, searching. Other times, the ideas click into place, come out of nowhere, make their way to the surface. Memory falls from the sky to shatter on my head. Tonight, the decision was made for me. I was trolling my archives, looking for things to tidy up or expand upon and maybe have that Eureka! moment for a new story. I came across the following essay, written on July 16th, the 5th anniversary of the birth of our twins.
It surprised me. It wasn't that long ago that I wrote it, yet I had forgotten I had written it. All the more strange that their loss still feels like it was last week; looking over the essay, it (or maybe me) felt ancient, a history from the Middle Ages. Trauma plays tricks on your memory.
In memoriam, I offer words because I cannot offer my embrace.
FIVE YEARS GONE
"Five years ago today, the most precious creatures in the world were brought into it. Five years ago today triggered the metamorphosis from boy to man. Five years ago today I was anointed as Emperor of the world, the power coursing swiftly in my veins.
Five years ago today the huge, black doors shielding the heart of the universe were thrown wide open. We were bathed in light, a golden pure light that was the very essence of love. It was light so thick we scooped it up in our hands and brought to our mouths to quench a ravenous thirst. Liquid sweet light like honey, like manna; it dissolved on our tongues to spread tender warmth to our hearts, minds and souls. Swallowing this pure light, we laughed and cried to realize no boundaries stood between Inside and Outside. There was no ‘I’ or ‘We’: only Us as we laid hands on those roseate bundles of life.
Five years ago today Connor and Emma stepped from the heart of the Sun to convince us that life is not confined to this blue marble. Aliens they were not, but perhaps not entirely of this world. They bridged the abyss between Sun and Earth, illuminating our lives like lightning cracking the sky on a hot summer night. For that brief instant we were afire, limned in silver and gasping from fear and wonder.
Five years ago today, God stepped down from the mountain of His throne to stand before us. We could only glimpse His face through the overwhelming brilliance. His hands lowered to us gifts of awesome splendor as His peaceful, warming voice washed over us:
“Take these and know the heart of Beauty.”
Five years ago today, we were on our knees under the weight of ecstasy. Tears streamed down our cheeks to soak the ground in a waterfall of joyous gratitude. The soil erupted in a rush of riotous color. This was the miracle of creation pouring vital power into our pounding hearts. It all became clear as never before: it is possible to know the meaning of life.
Five years ago today we were wealthy beyond belief, in a currency not fashioned by the hands of man. Five years ago today every field was in flower, every brook was running clear and there was peace upon our souls. The boundaries between ego and love dissolved in the nurturing warmth of a divine radiance composed of joy.
Five years ago today we were swept up in a storm of mystery and grace. There was little time for true fear because joy had our undivided attention. We were so captivated by love that, in the heat of this shining moment, it slipped our minds that lightning is almost inevitably followed by thunder.
God was granting us a measure of mercy, perhaps, in that gap of memory."
KS – 07/16/08
Good night, children.