19 December 2010

Blogjam

Unbloggable.

To borrow the term from my bloggy friend only a movie, on whose blog I first saw it, I have to say things are near to that state in the People's Republic of Gumbolia.  Unbloggable.  Give it a space (Un Bloggable) and it looks like something important from a language other than English, a language in which I wish I was fluent.

It is an odd state of affairs for me, to be in a position where I can't seem to, or maybe don't want to, write out what is going in my head.  I pride myself on words and phrases, but just now: blogjam.  It feels like I am at the bottom of a waterfall, and the deluge will not let up, and it is carrying rocks and logs, and the occasional fish.  All of these, with velocity most overwhelming.

I can't tell the cause.  It could be any number of things: fatigue, fear, cowardice, anxiety, the season.  Or simply an inability to find the words that can say what needs to be said.  Assuming, of course, that I truly have something to say.  This I also do not know.

I want to say...but I can't.
I want to understand...but I don't.
I want to be brave...but I'm not, not now.

Words usually give me courage,  but they escape me at the moment.  Is this how the sculptor feels when he picks up the mallet and chisel, only to find his heart won't let him swing his arm?

I don't know.  What I do know is that I need to find a way to get my voice back.  I held things in for too long, for years, and I'm paying the price for that silence.  This, my current silence, cannot last.  It simply cannot.

But I don't know what to say.

14 comments:

  1. Welcome to my world. No words. So... give us a picture!

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  2. I hear you. I've felt this way frequently for, oh, about the last nine months. But listen, in expressing what you just did, your voice worked incredibly well. Blog jam be damned. Maybe it wasn't quite what you wanted to say, but it was you regardless. I think we must all go through these phases, no? Anyway, you threw out the line, and I think you caught something that's a keeper. xo

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  3. You seem to articulate your unblogabbleness (unblogabacity?) quite well. Tis the season for overwhelming deluge of crap. Hence my blank blog. Hang in there.

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  4. it's one of the strange side effects of blogging, sugar. we seem to be our most articulate when we can't find our bloggy voice! the best advice? relax, just breathe, everything flows when it's ready. i've been unable to comment here because so much of what you've written lately has touched my own exposed nerves, but here i am today, just babbling on! ;~D now, i'm off to do a promised post about a friend in dublin and his fantastic art! be well, darlin! xoxox

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  5. dude,you just have a lotta strands running around in that big ol' head of yours...lotta strands...give yourself time to sort it all out :)

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  6. Us men are experts in boxing away our feelings and we're taught to do so at an early age. Finding the right crow bar takes awhile.

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  7. tis the season to be unblogable, as my own blank slate attests....show us a pittchur gumbo, you take good 'uns :-)

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  8. blogjam? but, but why!!!!
    You could start off by typing out everything you want to say, and then read it/edit it until it's about perfect and then delete!

    No one has to know, you've said your bit and it's all over

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  9. It's like the old saying, "Dance like nobody is watching". Write like no one will see it and consequences (unless serious of course) be damned. I'm having to get my arms around that one myself lately. I have stage fright. In front of an imagined audience. I think that is quite funny. :)

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  10. bravery is overrated. Better to be honest.

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  11. I'm with flutter....your honesty in this post is very moving, and you are articulating feelings we all have, and doing it quite well.

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  12. Sometimes one doesn't have to write or say anything but simply feel and let those feelings flow through. This too will pass.

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  13. and yet, in supposedly saying nothing, you've said a great deal of SOMETHING.

    I used to write poetry all the time. Now that my mother has died, I can't come up with more than a single line. Nada. Zippo. Chirp, chirp go the crickets, etc.

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"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."


-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...