25 June 2009

The View From Up Here (Coming Home Is Hard)


I’m sorry I’ve been away, dear ones. I’ve been…busy, swept up in stuff. And I’m sorry.

Not that you’d know from stuff, I know. You really didn’t get the chance, now, did you? No. I remember. I was there. There for all of it. Every excruciating, ecstatic minute of it.

(weak smile)
(clearing throat)

How have you been? The birds and the trees and the stars, they keep you company? I hope so. I hope so. They are beautiful, just like you. I remember…I thought…

(head dropping)

Please don’t think me silly when I say this…but when we first brought you here, I was so worried that you wouldn’t be able to see the sky from where you are. I was worried that the fallen leaves or snow or something would get in the way and you wouldn’t be able to see anything.

Especially me.

(soft laughter)
(massaging temples with fingers of one hand)

Silly, yes? I can hear you laughing, I can see the dimples on your cheeks. My god, that has to be (would have been) the most beautiful sound in the world. The universe. And I include the songs of birds and softly falling water and distant thunder in that category. That’s good company, my lovelies…See? The crow agrees!


Did I tell you I’m sorry? I am, I truly am. I should be here more often, but I…I haven’t been up to it. Takes a lot of energy sometimes, when I think of you, and I’m scared I won’t have enough. I’m scared I’ll lose it here and never get it back. I think it must be what it is like to try and wrap your arms around the sun. Your arms will never be long enough and it will burn, children, it will burn. This I know. Trust me on that.

Because I wrapped my arms around the sun, once. I still bear the scars and the weight, the gravity of it.

What? Daddy did what?

(closing eyes)

I wrapped my arms around the sun the first time I got to hold you, both of you.


What? Oh, I’m smiling because I remember those moments…you in my arms…and me wondering how it was possible that I had stars in my hands but they felt so light, so delicate…but oh, so beautiful…

(breeze rustling leaves)
(sunlight glinting on the metal)
(shoulders heave)

I heard the song again, on the way over here. You know the one…I do hope you are in the gentle arms…of eden, or something like it. And it has those words in it, the ones that get me every time.


No, no, dear ones, Daddy can’t sing. You know that.


“...This is my home, my only home
This is the only sacred ground that I have ever known...”

(choking sob)

“…and should I stray in the dark night alone
Rock me goddess in the gentle arms of eden…”

(crow caws)
(hand wiping face)

I’m sorry, kiddos…daddy is real sorry.

(wiping leaves, dirt from gravestones)

I love you, you know that. And I’ll be back.

(kissing fingertips)
(brushing names)

This is my home

Italicized words are lyrics from “The Gentle Arms of Eden” by Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer, from the album Drum Hat Buddha.


  1. You probably make me teary-eyed more than any other blogger, you know.

    Keep safe and happy, dear.

  2. Don't be so hard on yourself for not visiting more often. They're with you all the time. Everywhere.

  3. I have to remember to stop reading your blog while sitting at my desk. It unnerves the employees to see their boss tearing up at his computer.


  4. That was just beautiful. I had to go back and read it again. And again.

  5. I finally decided to jump back in with you and you go and make me cry.


  6. Oh ... a morning cry. Sending big hugs to fellow Irish friend.

  7. Hey,you visit when you visit.comment when you can.that is yhe best that we all can do.I hope that you are having a great day!

  8. Sending hugs. And tradewinds to blow a gentle breeze uopn your soul.

    I'm with Movie, they are with you all the time.

  9. That post just made me lose my shit. Absolutely breathtakingly painful post Kev.

  10. That was lovely and heart-breaking. And yes, they are with you always. hugs

  11. Wow. Beautiful and heart breaking. Just like you.

  12. i am miserable to begin with and then i read this and the tears really flow.....

  13. okay, who hid the tissue box? pass it over.


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...