The View From Up Here (Coming Home Is Hard)

Hey…

I’m sorry I’ve been away, dear ones. I’ve been…busy, swept up in stuff. And I’m sorry.

Not that you’d know from stuff, I know. You really didn’t get the chance, now, did you? No. I remember. I was there. There for all of it. Every excruciating, ecstatic minute of it.

(weak smile)
(sigh)
(clearing throat)

How have you been? The birds and the trees and the stars, they keep you company? I hope so. I hope so. They are beautiful, just like you. I remember…I thought…

(head dropping)

Please don’t think me silly when I say this…but when we first brought you here, I was so worried that you wouldn’t be able to see the sky from where you are. I was worried that the fallen leaves or snow or something would get in the way and you wouldn’t be able to see anything.

Especially me.

(soft laughter)
(massaging temples with fingers of one hand)

Silly, yes? I can hear you laughing, I can see the dimples on your cheeks. My god, that has to be (would have been) the most beautiful sound in the world. The universe. And I include the songs of birds and softly falling water and distant thunder in that category. That’s good company, my lovelies…See? The crow agrees!

(grin)
(sigh)

Did I tell you I’m sorry? I am, I truly am. I should be here more often, but I…I haven’t been up to it. Takes a lot of energy sometimes, when I think of you, and I’m scared I won’t have enough. I’m scared I’ll lose it here and never get it back. I think it must be what it is like to try and wrap your arms around the sun. Your arms will never be long enough and it will burn, children, it will burn. This I know. Trust me on that.

Because I wrapped my arms around the sun, once. I still bear the scars and the weight, the gravity of it.

What? Daddy did what?

(closing eyes)

I wrapped my arms around the sun the first time I got to hold you, both of you.

(smile)
(teardrop)

What? Oh, I’m smiling because I remember those moments…you in my arms…and me wondering how it was possible that I had stars in my hands but they felt so light, so delicate…but oh, so beautiful…

(breeze rustling leaves)
(sunlight glinting on the metal)
(shoulders heave)

I heard the song again, on the way over here. You know the one…I do hope you are in the gentle arms…of eden, or something like it. And it has those words in it, the ones that get me every time.

(grin)

No, no, dear ones, Daddy can’t sing. You know that.

(sigh)
(ahem)

“...This is my home, my only home
This is the only sacred ground that I have ever known...”

(choking sob)

“…and should I stray in the dark night alone
Rock me goddess in the gentle arms of eden…”

(silence)
(crow caws)
(hand wiping face)

I’m sorry, kiddos…daddy is real sorry.

(wiping leaves, dirt from gravestones)

I love you, you know that. And I’ll be back.

(kissing fingertips)
(brushing names)

This is my home…

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Italicized words are lyrics from “The Gentle Arms of Eden” by Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer, from the album Drum Hat Buddha.