THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING, IF BY GIVING YOU MEAN BLEATING AND POOPING: Google is an amazing thing, no doubt. I recently became aware of the little targeted ads and headers that show up in the Gmail window. I knew they were there, just really wasn't paying much attention until recently, when I was waiting for something to load. I looked up to see this header: "GiftofaGoat". Huh? I clicked on it out of curiosity, and it took me to the webpage of a large worldwide charity organization. There on the page in front of me, was the headline: "HELP LIFT A FAMILY OUT OF POVERTY WITH THE GIFT OF A GOAT". It went to explain that for a few bucks, you can buy a goat for some folks who can use it to produce milk, get hides for leather, provide food and some other things that could help an impoverished family in a developing area of the world. Wow. I know what they mean, but wouldn't a fat stack of cash be just as useful? A lot less poop...
BUT I'M A DIFFERENT KIND OF MUTHA: Also on the random targeted ads I saw, and I have no idea why it showed up on my e-mail page, was the "Are You A Bad Mother? Take the Quiz now!" advertisement. It boggles the mind that such a thing exists. I would love to see the criteria they used to generate the scores. Sample question: "DO YOU LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN UNATTENDED AT HOME WHILE YOU GO OUT DRINKING? - A: Yes B: No C: I'm appalled! D: No, they act as my designated driver..." Of course, then it should be called "Are You a Bad Muthaf**ker?"...
KEE-RIPES I WANNA PLAY LIKE THAT: Enjoying my iPod at work, with the benefit of decent headphones, I was bowled over by what, to me, is one of the badassest bass lines I have ever heard in my life. To wit, "All Wrong" by Morphine, around the 2:30 mark. The sax is good, but listen to the bass:
PUTTING THE FUN IN FUNDY: According to the Wikipedia entry on the Bay of Fundy in Canada:
"Folklore in the Mi'kmaq First Nation claims that the tides in the Bay of Fundy are caused by a giant whale splashing in the water. Oceanographers attribute it to tidal resonance resulting from a coincidence of timing: the time it takes a large wave to go from the mouth of the bay to the inner shore and back is practically the same as the time from one high tide to the next. During the 12.4 hour tidal period, 115 billion tonnes of water flow in and out of the bay."
Personally, I kinda like the giant whale theory. It's poetic, trippy and cool. Either way, folks, that is a shitload of water in a short amount of time!
THE LAW OF PERCENTAGES SAYS HE'S BOUND TO SCREW UP: Watching Blue's Clues this past weekend with my daughter, it occurred to me that once, just once, I would like to see Steve get it wrong and write down the wrong things. So then everyone would be walking around trying to figure out what the hell is wrong, and all the little kids could scream "Hey, Steve, get a clue! Get a clue! They are right in front of you!" Ooooh, speaking of Steve (actual name: Steve Burns) he performs, along with Steven Drozd of The Flaming Lips, what is quite possibly the best song EVAH done about groundhogs. For your edification and delight:
Rock the 'hogs, people! Woot!
WHAT, WILL THEY MAKE YOU EXPLODE?: Finally, because it is such a good source of randomosity (I made that up), yet another puzzling and funny targeted ad from the folks at Google. Just in case you needed some guidance, you can get "DangerousKissingTips", apparently guaranteed to make any girl "melt in your arms". Ewww. If that is what they mean by dangerous, I'll take a pass, thankyouverymuch. How do you explain that to her friends and family. "No, really, all I did was kiss her, and the next thing I knew she was soaking into the seat fabric. Really, I swear!". Better bring a mop and bucket, fellas...
pantpantpantshivershiver(hic)shivershiver(hic)...okay, now I'm gonna go put on some pants, get a blanket and wait for the room to stop spinning. Happy Tuesday!