21 February 2009

I'll Stop The World And Melt. Not With You, Just Melt. All By My Lonesome.

Can I just stop for a moment? Or a long series of moments? I need to, in a bad way. Dislocated is no way to wear one’s head. I don’t like living life that way. The way things are going I’m feeling like maybe, just maybe the Universe could use a few moments of stillness. If not the Universe, then the Planet Earth. And if not Earth, then at least my head.

My poor, aching headbone.

Layoffs. Wars. Economic meltdown. Recession. Personal crises and generalized anxieties and change. Not knowing my ass from a hole in the ground some days. It all seems too much, sweeping the legs out from underneath me. Sticking my head into the torrent of information flowing around me is akin to drinking from a firehose, or walking through a high-speed wind tunnel. I cannot drink that fast, or walk effectively into a hurricane. It’s exhausting and too much is missed.

I am tired of missing things. Picture sitting in a boat, on a broad and swift river. The wind is blowing hard, chop is on the water. And try as you might to stop it, cargo continues to fall overboard, and you watch helplessly as it falls to sternward and forever out of reach. There is no turning back. It wouldn’t matter anyway if you could turn around; the current is too swift and turbulent. You’d never catch up to the stuff you lost while trying to comprehend the new stuff coming at you.

I find myself weary of even trying anymore, to understand the vast cloud of sensory impressions swathing me in overload. Pecked to death by lunatic chickens. Trapped in a tent with hyperactive angry bees. The mere act of filtering such quantities becomes a tremendous task unto itself. The sheer time and energy involved easily robs me of the ability to comprehend that which I have filtered.

You know those movies or videos where one person is on screen, moving real slow while people and cars zoom by at manic speed? That is me. Feels like that all the time. I’m trying to catch up, or at least comprehend the people and events zipping by. It makes me feel…lost. Sort of “in” the world but not really “of” the world. Does that make sense?

Perhaps I am looking at this from the wrong direction. I keep looking out but really I should be looking in. The dislocation I feel could be coming from having gone down the rabbit hole in the center of my head. Sort of like turning a sock inside out, or maybe a Möbius strip in the guise of a human body. If I drew a line down the middle of myself, would I return to my starting point having traversed all sides without crossing an edge? Ow. Ow. Ow. Mistake. That just made my head hurt even more.

All this data, coming at me at light speed. Why did I ever believe that I wanted to know everything there was to be known in the Universe? When did my head become such a strange attractor for information? Somewhere along the line my brain collapsed in on itself, incurring an accelerated process of densification, the grey matter congealing into a black hole with an event horizon defined by my skull. Data goes in, but where does it come out? Some days it feels as if nothing leaves only to increase the pressure threatening to blow the top of my head off. Wouldn’t that be spectacular! An exploding black hole! One can only imagine what that would look like. Maybe it would create a white hole, discharging the accumulated contents of my overheated brain into another universe, or into a different place somewhere else in this one.

If only I could stop time. No, stop motion (but isn’t that in some ways the same thing?) on a molecular level. Climb inside my own skull and scoop up the quantum goo and pack it into some kind of snowball. A grey matter snowball squeezed between my palms in a desperate effort to quell the vibrations, bring time and space together in a hot-cold singularity. Freeze it at the level where even the atoms slow down, doing a languid Brownian dance of slower and slower rotations while time ceases to pass.

I know the Universe does not revolve around me, I don’t expect it to. But just once, even if only for a few ticks of the atomic clock that keeps Standard Time, I would like everything to just stand still so I can cool off.

I need that. And a beer. A beer would be nice, too.


  1. Dude, I need a beer too. A proper one, not some dodgy lager. I'll get one later, a mate is visiting, hopefully the pub will be free from lunatic chickens and hyperactive angry bees. Chances are there will be a unholy trinity of lunatic bees, hyperactive chickens and small yappy dogs.

    Anyhow, jpooh recommended you, got the link from Thistle, love your style.

    I will be back.

  2. A poetic and long winded version of "I'm freaking out."
    Or the more consise "dude" followed by a long sigh.
    I like the poetic long-winded version.

  3. Your brain needs to slow down, Irish! I hope you get your beer, and soon! Have 2. Tall ones.

  4. Dude, you totally need to turn the sock inside out. The lunatic chickens are pecking so badly to remind you to do just that.

    You are getting there. Don't worry so much.

    Have been in the world, but not of the world for a while here, and it seems to be working out ok.

    Have a happy Saturday!

  5. Rock yourself a little chant, Mr Irish :)

  6. Make it a tall one.
    Hope you're feeling a bit more settled soon!

  7. Irish

    What's remains of MY brain tells me you need to get drunk, stoned and laid (in no particular order).

    I can help with 2 out of the 3.

  8. You know what? I think this post right here explains what I'm feeling right now exactly. Like word by word. My problems may not be as large as yours, but I don't necessarily feel content either, like these little problems are only getting bigger, ya know?

    I don't think a single beer would suffice. ;)

  9. Irish - feeling for you, yet laughing at your commenters...

    I'm thinking comfort drinking is in order, followed by comfort food, comfort sex, and then go lay your ass in the sun and grab some of that light vitamin.

    And do the Braja chant.

    Hugs to you.

  10. "Buy the Ticket, take the Ride."

    I sometimes want it to Slow down as well. But then, I get bored as Hell. Idle hands and all that.

  11. I've been wanting to stand still, too, for a while. But I'd prefer to do it where there is absolutely NO ONE ELSE AROUND!

    And I'd also like a beer.

  12. Stop the world, I want to get off!

    I know how you feel, brother.. but, you knew that already, didn't you. ;)

  13. I hear ya. Maybe if we could just step off the ride for a few minutes and watch.

  14. A beer. . . Braja's chant. . . and a Xanax, my friend.

    Don't forget the Xanax!

  15. My dear Irish, you need to ...slow ... down. My head gets all rushed like that sometimes too. Think of all of that information like raindrops.

    I love to walk in the rain, to feel it drip-dropping on my flesh, but no matter how much I love to walk, run, dance in the rain, at some point, ya gotta go in and dry off, and just watch it through the window without letting it completely soak you to the bone ;)

    Sounds like it's time to go inside, dry off and watch through the window for a while, darlin ;)

  16. I never, ever, drink beer but I had TWO Corona Lights last night. And they did me a world of good. Everybody is stressed out right now and I think we are all feeding off each other's stress. Maybe beer is the answer.

  17. Dude. One word: Racquetball.

    Run your ass off, smack that ball around, take out the aggression, work off the stress, think only of the game. Rock till you drop.

    Serenity now.

  18. Sounds a little bit like torture to be inside your head.

    A beer may indeed help.....maybe another after that. Yes, a nice cold one, right at sunset, while you sit in a hottub.

  19. it is definitely an E ticket ride these days...and I know exactly what you mean about the swooshing by of the entire rest of the world....I need to put a link to this post for the next time I can't explain or put my finger exactly on what I am feeling, cuz this, my darling, verbalizes it absolutely..thank you...and have a beer for me too, please

  20. Hey, there, dear - I'm the jpooh Stoneskin mentioned, btw (silly OpenID option).

    I just sat and cried while I read this. No, really, bawled my fucking eyes out. I've got a companion piece coming. Sort of. It's about feeling overwhelmed, anyway.


  21. Mo.stoneskin: I’ll be happy to buy the first round. Proper, of course. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you.

    J’Ollie: Yes, exactly. (grin)

    Joanie: It does, it really does. I think I just might have that second beer.

    OAM: Trying, madam :) Not so much worry as exhaustion…

    Braja: Hare Krishna… :)

    Michelle: I will, and thanks.

    IB: Which two? (grin)

    IAG: Happy to be of service, and I know exactly what you mean.

    Janie: You give great advice, my dear. Thank you.

    cIII: Just don’t let them do the devil’s work…

    MD: Testimony, I have a witness!

    CPM: Yes. :)

    Captain: That would be awesome

    Lizspin: Ha! Let me try the chant and beer first…

    DC: Yes…I…do. And your analogy was marvelous, bravo!

    Flutter: You said it, so well.

    24@Heart: I just put 2 six packs in the fridge.

    FL: How did you know that? I used to racquetball a lot, years ago. Sounds good!

    Rachael: (guffaw) Yep, sometimes it does. And your suggestion sounds great!

    SSP: Hey, good to hear from you again! Please do, and I am glad you liked it!

    Jan: So there you are! :) I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. Please let me know when you plan to post, I don’t want to miss it! Thanks!

  22. I told you to get off the train, didn't I!

  23. Very well said. And put. I love the Brownian dance.

  24. I loved the interviews by the way. So well done.

    I'm worried about you, Irish. Should I be?


  25. Even though at times I have no earthly idea what the hell you are talking about, I know exactly how you feel. If you stop the world, I'll melt with you. Geesh, that sounded bad, didn't it. I'm tipping my beer glass to you. Cheers!

  26. Teri: I am off the train, madam, that's part of the problem...

    Christine G: Thank you. Glad you picked up the Brownian ref.

    Pearl: Thanks! They were fun. (grin) That's sweet that you are worried :) But it's okay, really.

    SMB: (bellylaugh)Sometimes I have no idea what I am talking about, either, when I'm writing it. Slainte! *clink*

  27. Love the description. But, you know, just because it's all screaming at you, doesn't mean it all matters.

  28. Put your I-pod on and go for a long walk, playing the music that soothes your soul. That's what I do.

    Hope the tortured part of your artist self is feeling centered and peaceful soon.

  29. I go down that rabbit hole so fast, it's scares me. Instead of a beer, I would prefer a giant Kit Kat bar. Chocolate goes a long way in taking me away from all this "crap".

  30. anymommy: You make a very good point.

    PHST: Excellent idea!

    bernthis: Perhaps chocolate AND beer...

  31. I'm not much for beer, but I'll definitely pull up a chair for you.

  32. Guess, there are a lot of people around who feel the same.

    A beer would be a nice change, indeed

  33. This was a great post on so many levels...maybe it's because where I am at right now, I would love the world to just stop for a minute. Maybe I need to have one of those beers.

  34. Now MY head is spinning but it doesn't matter because that's my world and I live here no matter what, until I don't anymore and that's when I expect everything to stop. What fun would it be if things didn't spin out of control every once in a buncha whiles? It would be a sad state of affairs, for sure so embrace it and be glad you can still feel something, even if it's pain.....and the buzz from a great brewsky.

  35. just came back to read it again, cuz it still moves me...thanks

  36. I used to have an anxiety driven lifestyle. I felt overwhelmed by things I could do nothing about. Pretty soon I found myself curled up on the couch watching the tv and all its senseless violence and murder. Much of my life has been marked by violence, greed, hate from others close to me in my life. It seemed to me that that was what life was about. Then one day I shut off my tv and took a walk. I never turned it on. I don't read the newpaper. My life has been much better since. Maybe not for the next person but for me it has given me great peace.

    A very great bit of writing. Honesty. The world needs more of it. Thank you for writing. I thought I would come out of the woodwork and say something :0)


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...