08 April 2009

Ah, Spring...And a Young Man's Fancy Turns to F@#!in' Yard Work...Or Something

(I am sort of glad when I wasn't in the same room with my friend Captain Dumbass when I asked him if he would please write a guest post for me. He was a bit distracted,a s you will read, and he's faster than me so I wouldn't have been able to duck. Plus, he has a badass dragon tat on his back. A cautionary tale for us all...Enjoy! - Irish Gumbo)

Do you ever wonder if the tree huggers are right? That a tree cries when you cut it down? Or that plants scream when they're uprooted? If they are, I hope there was a lot of screaming in my back yard today. I hope those little bastard weeds screamed themselves hoarse. I hope all their little weed friends heard them dying. I hope all the little weeds still waiting to break the surface heard too and understand their certain death if their damned heads break through the soil. Vengence is mine.

Ah, spring. My garden has been doing it's thing for awhile now, but today was the first day

*my wife just came into the room and is talking non-stop about some TLC show on woman who deliver babies and didn't even know they were pregnant and wait, no, now it's something about taxes and wanting to get organized now before... something. Probably going crazy and murdering her husband in her sleep*

the wind wasn't trying to uproot trees and the rain wasn't trying to physically hurt you, so it was time to drag my ass away from the computer and do some yard work.

*now my wife is making me check one of my bank accounts to find out how much interest I accrued last year. An account I only go into once a year because I use the money for car insurance so I can't remember my PIN number and have to reset it*

What was I talking about? Right, spring. I was trying to get to spring cleaning and how we do it in spring because the change in light allows us to see how much dust and spiderwebs have built up over the winter.

*Sweet Jesus! Now she's misplaced some statements and is losing her mind*


*now she's reminding me of the year I shredded some vital piece of paper that she had to painstakingly tape back together again and how she cursed me the entire time*

I think I have a new idea for this post.


  1. There is an element of truth to the tree huggers' beliefs. When you cut down a tree, somewhere, somehow, a duck falls out of the sky. If the duck is flying high then this can be fatal.

    I don't know about weeds, but it is entirely possible that you have just halved the duck population of Canada.

  2. I am afraid to weed my garden at the moment because I am not sure which plants are weeds and which ones are legitimate plants.

  3. She wouldn't murder you in your sleep. That would be a kindness.

  4. Spring seems to agree with you Captain. Not so sure the greenery and wife think so, but you are holding up with quite a sense of humor.

  5. Tree killer! And I say that as a compliment because where else are we supposed to get book and loo roll from.

  6. I totally refuse to watch that show about women who didn't know they were pregnant because WTF is the about??

    I hope you get to kill some more plants soon!

  7. Sounds like the weeds ain't the only thing Shrieking around Casa de los Dumbass.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, the Nutgrass and Bindweed has issued a challenge. and the Compost needs turning.

  8. Dude, have you not learned the fine out of 'tuning out' your spouse? It's easy, takes very little practice...all you do is nod and say, "Uh huh"

  9. Cap'n - I'm with mo.stoneskin about the ducks. Did you also know that whenever you strip a piece of wallpaper a Canada Goose dies? Get busy Cap'n! It's goose-crap season here.

  10. I am embarrased to admit that I actually watched that TLC program...I had to. How could someone not know they're pregnant until they're giving birth?

  11. I love spring. I love the yardwork. Even more so since I'm not the one that has to do it! LOL!

  12. If a tree cries and you're not there to help it blow it's nose, does it get snotty?

  13. I wondered why Admiral Dumbass ran out of the room when I started to read this post. Vengeance shall be mine.

  14. Good job Capt'n. Looks like you've been promoted. If you fart in a room and no one is there to smell it does it still smell so sweet?

  15. @ mo & MAW - this is a big country, we won't run out of ducks or geese

    @kat - I'm sure some weeds are pretty if you give them a chance

    @wicked - you have a point there

    @PHST - thanks. Do you have a couch I could sleep on?

    @anna - there's a lot of trees here

    @dana - wtf?

    @cIII - fight the good fight

    @cameron - she was too close, there was eye contact

    @cpm - I'm morally flexible

    @3699 - as I don't have a uterus, I can't answer that

    @md - that's because you live in the forrest

    @jan - it's called sap

    @sl - oops

  16. I started my spring gardening yesterday only to have some bastard deer come and eat all the heads off the flowers I planted!!!! Now what?

  17. As mush as I enjoyed reading his post, I enjoyed the comments as well...too funny! Great job of keeping my ADD ass attention!

  18. When did the Captain get a promotion? Admiral?
    I saw the same show, SL! And the recreations were horrendous! I kept yelling at the tv until John told me to quiet down or move it to another room since he was sleeping. How rude.

  19. Sounds like your wife is getting those cobwebs and dust bunnies under control. My garden is in and growing.

  20. The trimming of the weeds (or yanking as it was) what a great Springy post. I have a dead rose bush on my deck, I'll probably just chuck the thing and buy a new one and then in a few months I'll have to chuck that one too. I kill things but not intentionally.
    And saying Uh huh like Cameron suggested does work. I use it on my spouse. Often.

  21. I agree..JUST as my A.D.D. started to kick in, SL saved us and brought me back. I am totally your wife.. yammering on about shows, taxes, accounts...all the way down to making a comment bringing us full circle. Nice touch, Supremeo!

  22. I think I just got a flash of what goes through my husband mind all the time.

    I talk a lot more than he does. At least I love him enough to shut up while when he's watching the Steelers.

  23. @mel - shoot the deer, plant his antlers as a warning to the others

    @chef - I like to help out the crazys

    @sprite - sl got a good laugh out of that

    @syd - good for you

    @bma - stick it in the ground somewhere, it'll probably come back

    @cdb - don't encourage her

    @k - that right there is love

  24. Being a little distracted, are we? Try being distracted by a golden puppy all day. No wonder my posts are all over the place.

  25. Um, you know that Supreme Leader is plotting your death, don't you? How could you not? Bank account information? She's totally planning to off you. I believe it might be because of the mirrored ceiling/floor suggestion. That was just not cool, man, not cool. As an aside for the lovely Supreme Leader, I've been watching a lot of "Snapped" lately. It's a show all about women serial killers or women who kill. I've got advice for her should she choose to use it.

  26. At least you have a good reason for not doing the yardwork instead of the usual lame excuse that you were blogging. . .

  27. I love the smell of mulch in the morning.

  28. Wait, so you're for or against hugging trees? I said hugging, no heavy petting required.

  29. We've had conversations like that in the House of the Cheeks...but they last for weeks and we can never remember to finish them...

    Which is definitely why we have stayed married so long!

    Good job Captain!
    Cheeky Kisses :)

  30. I had a good comment planned...but I got distracted...

  31. Dude! SL sounds like me to my husband and vice versa when i'm on the computer - we women just have a way about us - now, where's the beer?

  32. Is this a meeting of ADD Anonymous? Cause it sounds like I would fit right in....


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...