09 April 2009

Mr. Johnson, I’m Afraid We’re Going to Have to Let You Go

(I knew when I asked my pal Idiot Boy to bless me with a guest post, I could count on it to be funny, sharply observant and almost certain to involve the word "johnson". And my faith was rewarded! Behold, a keen little essay on Things We Dudes Don't Really Want To Talk About. Trust me, you'll laugh! - Irish Gumbo)

I have a physical exam scheduled for Tuesday of next week and I’m dreading it. Nothing good can come from a physical and the staff at the Doctor’s office does everything they can to prove to you this fact from the second you walk in the door. Everything from the 27 page sign-in forms, to the glacial pace at which the 13 patients waiting ahead of you are called, to the long wait in the chilly exam room when all you have on is a paper dress (open at the back), and the finger up the ass “prostate exam”, are all designed to remind you a visit to the Doctor’s office is but a sampling of hell.

That’s all horrible enough, but what I’m really concerned about is what the Doctor will tell me. He’s going to say I have high-cholesterol and high-blood-pressure. I know he will tell me this because it is the same thing he told me the last 3 times I have had exams. And, I know this time, he is going to very strongly suggest I start a treatment program which involves exercise (ugh), consuming a diet of hog-fuel, cardboard and broccoli (ugh!), and certain medications (UGH!).

I can get past the exercise and the fiber intake for the high-cholesterol; it’s the drugs for the high-blood-pressure that have me freaking-out. A friend of mine, who suffers from the same condition, has told me that his medications leave him…somewhat lacking…in the libido department. Worse, he actually has trouble, um….getting the bread to rise…on the rare occasions he finds himself even remotely interested in sex.

Upon hearing of this news, I immediately Googled up articles on high-blood- pressure meds and, what Doctors refer to as “Erectile Dysfunction”, or what I like to call, “The Death of Meaning and Purpose”. As it turns out, my fears are well founded. Apparently these “medicines”, while great at lowering blood pressure, also reduce blood flow to Mr. Johnson and therein lies the lack-of-rub.

This begs a fucking serious philosophical question (or is it a serious philosophical fucking question?) to whit:

Is there a point to living longer if you can’t continue to employ Mr. Johnson in the capacity for which he was hired?

Well, my wife thinks so.

“What do you think?” I asked. “According to the information, I’ll be less stiff than a garden hose on a hot summer day”.

“Wouldn’t you rather be alive?”

“Uh, no, I wouldn’t”.

“If you ask me, it’s a small price to pay”. She chuckled, then turned and walked away. I’m pretty- sure I heard her humming “Zippity-Do-Dah” as she left for the store (she said she needed to get some “D” batteries). Sometimes that woman can be just cruel.

So, I guess I’ll take the medication because, I “want” to be around to watch my son get married, and I am “looking forward” to playing with my grandkids, and I “hope” to escort my wife into her golden years, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…


  1. Geez why don't they just take you out back and end the suffering quickly? ;) Hopefully you will be one of the men that the medications don't have that effect on. Cross your fingers.

  2. I can actually picture her walking away, sorry was it skipping away?, singing. I'm sure that makes you feel better.
    Good luck with the medications, everything has freaky side effects these days. But I'd think death would pretty much suck. So take the pills and live, your wife will thank you later.

  3. My husband takes those meds and his only issue is getting me "in the mood." Just sayin.

    Besides, isn't there another pill to correct the lameness? It would (wood) be better to have you around, so take the damn medicine. Alright.

  4. This, dear, is why whatever gods there may be have given us Viagra...

  5. It true that there is a pill to correct everything. So take one to lower your blood presser and another the raise Mr. Johnson.

    I'm sure the family is far more concerned with having you around as long as possible, even if you are expereincing the "Death of meaning and purpose"

  6. I just did the exam thing the other day, and I'm on a shitload of meds now. You don't have to let Mr. Johnson go! Levitra is a wonderful thing and it works GREAT!!! Seriously, talk to your doc about it.

  7. Zippety-Do-Dah is actually in the woman's manual, my wife whistles it triumphantly whenever she can.

    I thought broccoli IS cardboard.

    Where are my pints Gumbo?

  8. That's a catch-22 if ever there was one...Better yet a double-edged SWORD ;)

    ACK. the cliches are killing me.

  9. "This begs a fucking serious philosophical question (or is it a serious philosophical fucking question?) to whit"

    That is all.

  10. I can't even begin to imagine what a Doctor would tell me if I could actually afford to go to one. Yikes. You need to just eat healthy and start sexercising. It's a sure cure. good luck

  11. So if you opt for the meds, the doc's finger up your ass may be your last sexual escapade?

    Another Guinness, please!

  12. My hubby would so love this, was faced with the same option, and he said 'no' to drugs, and yes to a healthy way of eating (finally)...so thanks for this from us two almost fifty year old blissfully happy couple!

  13. Well, if nothing else, this is preventing me from going to the doctor and getting my blood pressure checked. Alright, so I'm single but I still like to have the option...

  14. Why do (insert target ethnic or cultural group here) mash their toes with a hammer for birth control?

    It makes them limp.

  15. This is a great post! I have to show my husband....he hates going to the doctor. Take the med, you want to be around and maybe if the other issue arises or fails to arise, explore taking other meds. ?

  16. If exercising and eating cardboard mean keeping the equipment functioning, I'm in.

  17. I bet she got those batteries for her vibrator, darn her!
    Hey, my husband is taking BP meds and its all good to go down there!

  18. Thank goodness I don't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol. And the Johnson works just fine. Eat that cardboard and wood chips. And when you walk real fast hum Zippety-Do-Dah.

  19. Hi IB!

    My hubby also takes meds for high BP, and he is good to go...no problems.

    Try the meds while you torture yourself with exercise and eat the cardboard...sometimes that eliminates the need for the BP meds and they cancel each other out...

    If you do have an issue with the garden hose...well, I agree...lots of meds to make it work good as gold.

    And I'm proud of you for going to the doc...They don't call high blood pressure the SILENT KILLER for nothing honey...We all want you around for a long time!


  20. I wouldn't worry about it too much. You'll rev up when necessary. Which may or may not make your wife keep humming.

  21. My hubs is on the HBP meds and there are no problems of which you are worried about.

    He, too, dreads the Prostate Exam. He refers to it as the "Steak Dinner" because he feels he should be taken out to dinner after that exam! :)

    Peace - Rene

  22. pssst; tell her I"m sending her a package. And when i say package, I mean PACKAGE.

  23. Dude.......you're back!! I was missing you....awww that was kinda sweet wasn't it??
    Where else can I read about prostate exams and steak dinner's all in the same place??
    Gumbo......I'm having to take chemo right now.
    Seriously dude......It's not as bad as I thought it would be but it still sucks butt ya know?
    Hope you and your family have a happy Easter. I'm puring a bourbon glaze on my ham.......just a lil bourbon....drank most of it already, lol.

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

  24. wonder how I could get the hubs blood pressure up...

  25. Okay, hysterical. Good job filling in for the Gumbo king.

  26. Hmmm ... poor underused Mr. Johnson! Surely there's some pump or circumstance to end his steely reign! ... Erm ... POMP rather!


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

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