17 December 2008

Goddess Belly: On Your Knees, Boy!

“I don’t write songs about girls anymore,
I have to write songs about women”

-“I’m An Adult Now” by The Pursuit of Happiness

It is fair to say that I have always been flummoxed by women, ever since I was a little gumbo many years ago. More precisely, flummoxed by females, since some of the people layin’ the flummox on me were girls. I am reasonably certain that this sort of flummoxing has been happening to other males ever since, well, since there have been ‘pointers and setters’. I got to ruminating (oh, no, not again..) on this the other day as I contemplated the ‘Venus of Willendorf(henceforth known as VOW) in the middle of a daydream about a girlfriend from long ago. She looks like this (VOW, not the girlfriend):

Please, take a moment to ponder. (hums ‘Baby Got Back’…) Weird and cool, no? There are a lot of theories about what the statue represents, like fertility goddess, a toy or even prehistoric pornography! The one thread that really caught my attention is the notion that it represents a goddess, worshipped by males; something to do with the ‘mystery’ embodied by the female, in the mind of the prehistoric male. Although some would say “Is there really a difference in the modern man?”

No argument from me on that one! The ladies have always been mysterious to me, have always had a sway over me that I couldn’t explain. At first I wasn’t aware I was being ‘hyp-no-tised!’, I just knew that in the presence of females in general and some females in particular that I wanted to be around them. As a kid, there were three cousins in particular that could get me all flustered. I’ll call them MJ/S/D for short. They were all older than me, and at family get-togethers I remember thinking they were the prettiest ladies I had ever seen. And to me they still are, although MJ sadly enough, passed away a few years back. (I really miss her big laugh). Plus, this was roughly the same time that Charlie’s Angels was on the tube, and I had some serious crushes on Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith (oddly, Farrah Fawcett?...meh):

My cousins had a bit of the Kate/Jaclyn vibe going on. That sort of thing, at the time, had the power to make me get real confused and quiet. And I had no clue back then just how dumbstruck I really was. When it came to the ridiculous, Neanderthal antics many of my male teenage peers engaged in to attract the ladies, I was outclassed. I could barely compete. I liked the females too much as people, was too shy, couldn’t bring myself to do it. As my general lack of steady girlfriends would confirm. It occurred to me much later that a lot of those guys were acting like typical alpha-male knuckleheads because they were probably either 1) not very self-aware or 2) were even more frightened than I was at the power girls held over us lads.

“She’ll pull it out on the river – she’s gussied up like sin,
You got jack all squat – you you’re a violin
And you’re gonna get played…”

-“The Fix Is On” by Peter Mulvey

So you probably see where this was going to go. This problem, if I could call it that, persists until this very day. From the females who knew me as a kid, to my first girlfriend G. in junior high and my last girlfriend S. before I went to college, to the short flings in college before I met the woman who went from girlfriend to fiancé to The Spouse, and even now with my beautiful Wee Lass: I am a violin, I have been played. Truth be known, now it doesn’t bother me as much. I slowly became aware of this tendency in college and I learned how to work around it. I figured out something, I guess. I managed to get married and eventually fathered three kids!

But I never really figured out how to defuse the reflex. It gets me every now and then. Case in point, the video for
Mysterious Ways by U2: it has a belly dancer. A really, really nice belly dancer. When the video first came out, I would see it and DING! Stop, drop and slack-jawed. Every single damn time. I hadn’t seen it in years until just the other day as I was goofing around on YouTube, I stumbled across it: deer meets headlights, around minutes 2 and 3:

As Bono explains:

“…Let her talk about the things you can't explain.
To touch is to heal, to hurt is to steal.
If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel
On your knees, boy!”

Goddess, I already am.


  1. Your meh was my Farah Fawcett pinup poster on my wall. Ding, ding. :D

  2. Oh yeah! FIRST!! AND SECOND!!!

  3. Mmmm....nice to see a young Bono writing sensually on the floor.

    Oh..there was a belly dancer? hehe...

  4. To really love women is a man's most appealing characteristic. We all need more men like you. Your wife is lucky indeed!

  5. Mmmm, Bono...delicious...

    Good on you to identify and accept your weak points :) Sounds like the spouse found a good one...

  6. I got nothing. But I'm here so I should say something...


  7. Jaclyn,Cheryl,Farrah,and Kate.
    Charlies Angels...schwing !!
    Nuff said.

  8. I had totally forgotten about this song. I love it. I have never seen the video before, though. I wasn't a video watcher, even way back.

    How the hell did I miss this post this morning?

  9. Came in by way of the Comedy Goddess -- good to see a young man properly subjugated!

  10. Jeanne:

    Young man? So, the blarney works better than I thought..heh, heh.

    Bless you for that!

  11. You are one of the few, but truly lucky ones. You see, we women actually do gravitate towards men who have an abiding love for The Goddess and who can treat us as such. ;)

  12. Oh geez...knock me over with a feather, why don't you?


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...