27 December 2008

Nice Rack!

Oh, baby. Mmm-Mmm-Mmm, would you look at that! What a mighty fine set of curves you got there, if I may be so bold. Thrusting yourself out like that, laid out in all your glory in the pages of that magazine. I believe I actually drew in a sharp breath when I flipped the page to find your picture staring back at me. Sleek, smooth, shining out: my first thought was, Oh Lawd would I like to get my hands on THAT! Somehow I managed to avoid drooling on the page. That would have been plain bad manners.

Still, you got me. I knew it right away. I had that shiver that ran down my spine and landed on that spot that makes me…well…you know what it makes. I love it, but it makes me a little embarrassed at the same time, you know? My ears turn red or something and my heart starts to race. I get that weak-in-the-knees feeling. People can tell. They can look at me and just know. ‘Something goin’ on in that boy’s head, and other places besides!’ they say, smirking as they stifle a laugh. Shame on me. I try and hide it, but sometimes its just no use.

Darling, why do ya do this to me? Why do ya get me all lathered up with no place to hang?

Whew. Had to stop and fan myself. It was getting a little warm in here. I know, it seemed like it could be nothing but a dream. I was falling in lust with a photograph, for cripes’ sake! Plus, being married and all, carrying on with you was going to be a serious problem. I couldn’t think of a way to explain the sudden trips out, the smudges on my shirt, the mysterious phone calls to arrange for our trysts. And the money! No way to hide it, not in a joint account. Not to mention trying to bring you into the house!

What was I going to do? Damnit, why did it have to be that way? The magazine lay open before me, soft focus photo in a sunny yellow room. You on a backdrop of white fabric (?), up against a wall (?), I couldn’t tell. The stirrings inside could not be ignored; I felt the fluttering in my belly, the blood rushing through my veins and pounding in my ears. Oh, my dear, there was so much we could do together, so much I wanted to share with you! I wanted you all for myself. We could spend so much time with each other, I could buy you shiny trinkets and drape them from your sweet-oh-so-sweet curves! In fact, I already had some things for you, waiting for you in that special room at home. The one in which I spent so much time, in a daze, dreaming of you and hoping we could be together. Forever.

I could take it no longer. I was determined to make you mine. And so it was resolved. With trembling hands, pounding heart, and dry mouth I made the call that would change our lives forever. The voice on the other end of the phone was pleasant and sweet, but she said you weren’t there right now, but she could take a message, let my darling know I was interested. She would let me know when you arrived. I said yes, please, curves like that I can wait for.

Hours passed. The phone stayed silent. It became days, still nothing. I was panicking. What was happening? Where were you? Finally, the phone rang, catching me in the middle of a daydream of you. I leapt out of the chair. The voice said you had shown up, and would I like to pick you up? Of course I did, I had coat on and keys in hand before I hung up. I drove as fast as the law would allow to get you, my lady.

I walked through the door. Your attendants were smiling, greeted me warmly, brought you out to me. You were silent, as was I. Your beauty was overwhelming, and those curves! Hah! My heart was in my throat as I spirited you back to my car. It was just you and me, now, and I couldn’t wait to get home. The drive was a blur, I don’t remember it very well. Our special room was waiting, new curtains waving in the breeze with sunlight streaming through the windows illuminating your new place.

We both seemed to shaking as I hurriedly stripped off your garments, ripping some in my haste. Neither of us spoke. Finally, you were naked in my hands, curves all soft and smooth against my palms. I smiled in ecstasy as I held you up against the wall. The sun warmed you as I slowly fixed you in place. I pushed gently, making sure you were okay. It was done. I brought out those trinkets I promised you. On you, they looked so good, I took a picture, so I could always enjoy a little “sump’n-sump’n” anytime I wanted. I just couldn’t keep you to myself:

You gorgeous thing. You had me at Williams-Sonoma.


  1. Reminds me of an affair I once had with a drill-press: drill in, drill out, drill in, drill out, drill in....


  2. You and Supreme Leader would get along very well.

  3. I was starting to blush. That IS a nice rack, if I do say so myself.

  4. Nicely done, you funny funny man!

    Should I tell you about the rack I used to have? When I was younger?

  5. Joanie: A little hot toddy for your winter night...

    IB: I hope you managed to stay away from the reamer!

    CD: Score! I didn't want her to think I was a bad influence.

    Casey: I'm lookin' out for ya, dear!

    CG: Thank you very much! Now about that rack, intrigued, do tell...

  6. if I had curves like that? I'd be in a magazine.. *swoon*

  7. Ya know, I'm kinda a 'downstairs' man, if you know what I mean. But yeah, nice, nice rack. ;)

  8. I so need one of those!

  9. Speaking as a Williams Sonoma widower I can identify with your condition. My wife gets positively worked up over their catalog. I never thought of cooking implements as erotic items, but then again, my wife doesn't get why I named my mixing console.

    P.S. R.L. Burnside... yeah dude!

  10. I'm pretty sure I heard it... she was calling out to you... screw me baby.... oh, hell yeah... just like that!!!

  11. Well, I almost stopped reading it, I thought it was a bit too naughty for a little dog - I got all embarrassed and blushing. Then I got to the end and it made me laugh - I guess my mum feels the same way about her breadmaker at the mo:)

  12. I was expecting some manly power tool...not an actual rack...

  13. I'd like to tell you that mine's better. But, alas, once again I have been shut down by one better looking, curvier, and just plain more practical than anything I have to offer. Damn.

  14. Now all you need is for me to get my brain working so I can send you a recipe...

    I have to say, I'm thankful mah Honey is a leg man ;)

  15. ::sigh::
    Why yes, that was good for me too... Alas, I will have to settle for the fantasy. One day we will redo our kitchen, one day...

  16. Awesome post. I recently experienced and wrote about a shoegasm which I think must be similar to what happened to you here. Shameful, yes...but oh so fun!

    I'm so glad CD pointed me to your site!

  17. Well...I'm relieved you aren't looking at those sleezy Sears and Roebuck catalogues anymore... :)

  18. How do you feel about a threesome?

  19. CPM: Who says you don’t? ;) You can be in my Issue #1.

    GF: I hear you; I think Williams-Sonoma had a real nice bread box, too…

    SS: Let me know, I think I can hook you up…

    The Mister: Terms of endearment for those what do it for us…seriously, a mixing console? Exotic… Oh, and Burnside, yeah I dig it!

    Robin: *whew* Turn up the a/c, a little warm in here! And, well, I did use extra long screws ;)

    Henry: It was the civilized animal in me, I don’t want to give everything away!

    Kat: Heh, heh, I am all about the zig instead of the zag. See also my post http://irishgumbo.blogspot.com/2008/12/goddess-belly-on-your-knees-boy.html. that should explain some things…

    Braja: Why, whatever did you expect? ;))

    Wendy: Oh I don’t know about that, perhaps a little visual proof is in order (grin)…

    Anndi: Take your time, my dear, and tell hubby there is probably a nice, curvy set of tall pot racks out there…

    Michelle: Happy to oblige, I’m all about the service. Good luck with the kitchen!

    VM: Well, I did have some good inspiration (wink)…

    SM: Sometimes, a little shameful can be a WHOLE lotta fun! Thank you!

    SC: Sears & Roebucks! Madam, I am appalled! I never…well, okay once or twice (blush)

    Supreme leader: Oooh la la! As long as I can bring my immersion blender! ;)

  20. Dammit. I scrolled down to make sure I hadn't missed a post and saw the pic before I read the post.

    Even knowing that it was a "rack" rack, I still blushed a little.

  21. I need a cold shower after that one. And I am so jealous!!! I need a rack like that!

  22. I confess...your rack is better then mine.


  23. Geez, even my rack don't look that nice, your's fills up nicely...


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...