08 December 2008

GNN: Oh, Blackwater! and Another Naked Man Story

Gumbo News Network presents another roundup of daily news, stories from around the world, the wicked and the stupid, and stuff that just plain interests me! First up, a charming little piece that speaks to what happens when defending freedom is privatized:

So the private industry tools who were “responsible” for providing “security” details in that noisome bog of “free Iraq” find themselves in trouble, do they? Furthermore, they turn themselves in somewhere where they believe they will get more sympathetic jurors. Aw, poor guys. I agree that they should have the right to petition for a change of venue due to prejudice against them; it would be hard (if not impossible) for them to get a fair trial in Iraq, and a change of venue is a precedent set in and allowed by the American system of justice. However, the emphasis is on a FAIR trial, and a fair trial is no more achievable in a venue where there is undue bias in favor of the petitioners than one where there is undue bias against them.

I can’t help but see this as an awful metaphor for what happens when reckless cowboys are in charge and the free-market-private-industry-knows-best-and-can-police-themselves gospel gets let loose without restraint. Tools who don’t think things through end up causing horrible messes and then expect someone else to clean it all up. The worst part is, in an environment like this, it seems too often that the ones who get hurt the most are the ones who deserve it least. Yeah, cowboys, go ahead and enjoy that freedom of choice, that luxury, you get from a political and legal system that gives you the opportunity to do so. Let us hope that everyone gets a fair trial. Oof. But all is not gloom and doom! Especially if you live in the fine city of Austin, Texas…


Another entry from the Unintentionally Funny Files blotter. I’ll preface this by making it clear that I do not condone the abuse of controlled substances or narcotics. The person involved surely has some sort of problem, and I hope it gets fixed. Plus I am glad the cops arrested him.

That aside, this story gave me a serious case of the giggles. A naked man jumping up and down on the roofs of cars, dancing around, “he was like butt-naked!” according to one witness. Ohmahgawd, you can’t make this stuff up. Well, I could, but it would take a lot of work to get the details right. Details like the aforementioned ‘butt-naked’ and the following:

“He was just trippin’ because the guy didn’t want to give him none.”
"Naked, without clothes, without nothing!"
“He got on top of the car and started jumping on it and dancing on it, like naked, no clothes or nothing on.”

and in a textbook example of wry understatement:

“Police officials said Sunday that they believe the 28-year old man was under the influence of some kind of drug, possibly PCP….. Police said they tazed the 28-year-old man and took him to Brackenridge hospital for further assesment. (sic)”

Really? They believe he was on drugs? Some fine detective work that must have been!*** Also, at that point, what further assessment needs to be done? I don’t know about you, but the next time I go jumping on cars all “butt-naked”, I will make sure I’m sober. I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I was just out looking for drugs!

*New life for a Doobie Brothers song. Get it?
**An alternate version of a song by TPOTUSA?
***No disrespect intended to the hard-working members of the Austin PD; tongue-in-cheek, people!


  1. Around here, that's "butt-nekkid".

  2. Oops. I forgot to claim I was on drugs last time I did that! What was I thinking?!

  3. Heck, my son dances and sings all nekkind on top of his cars and he's not intoxicated - the guy got a raw deal!!! (Just kidding of course, at least about the raw deal part - the nekkid son, not so much)

  4. Most of the time, real life doesn't need any embellishing.

  5. Yup, I agree: most of the time, Captain Dumbass' life doesn't need any embellishing.

    Too easy? I once danced naked on a car and tasered MYSELF. True story.

  6. Goodfather:

    Spill, dude. Need some deets on how one tasers oneself. The naked part is probably easy to 'splain!

  7. Yeah, I've heard that quote before!


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...