Of Napkins, Noodles and Kung Fu (Potty Style)

ITEM the 1st*: A Glut Of Napkins

“This is absurd” I tell myself for the millionth time, “I can’t even get my cell phone out of my freakin’ coat pocket because its full of NAPKINS!”

Picture if will, an ordinary-looking white sort of male-type person sitting in his car. It is a rather ordinary black four-door ‘sedan’ of the less expensive imported lineage type car. From the mirror hangs a sun-faded soccer pennant emblazoned with the logo of the United States National Soccer Teams. Nothing terribly unusual about this scene. Except for the flailing.

The ordinary white male (henceforth known as OWM) is thrashing about in the driver’s seat of the car, one hand on the lapel of his jacket and the other is jammed deep into the inside coat pocket. Muffled invective could be heard by passersby, assuming close enough to the car. The OWM is currently engaged in a struggle for dominance over his cell phone; the phone has apparently decided to hide from the OWM by turning sideways and getting lodged under a thick wad of napkins. Napkins of the sort found in affordable eatery type establishments, the purveyors of large burritos or poultry fried golden-brown-and-delicious to be “nuggeted” or stuffed between buttered buns (with pickles, yum.) The OWM has an almost pathological inability to eat in said establishments without grabbing a stack of napkins sufficient to wipe the hands of a school full of 7-year olds. Thenceforth, they end up in pockets and other places.

Finally, after much spasticity and cursing, the OWM triumphantly holds the errant cell phone aloft with a hearty “AHA!”. A light dawns in the OWM’s head: transfer the pocket napkins to the glove compartment! Brilliant! The OWM gleefully opens the compartment, paper goods in hand. The door flops own, and pile of napkins springs out like a jack-in-the-box, spilling onto the floor. The OWM curses, stuffs all the napkins back into the compartment, hurriedly shutting the door.
Fortunately, no one saw him. He thinks.

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ITEM the 2nd: Noodles On My Noodle

Noodles, man, what is it with the noodles**. I gots noodles on muh brain. First, I’m reading some Chinese cookbooks, and they've lots of noodles in them. Long noodles, slurpy noodles, noodles of many flavors. Noodles in bowls and stuff. Noodles with lots of Chinese food type goodness on them. It is making me hungry.

So we get a great deal on a new DVD, “Kung Fu Panda”, courtesy of a gift card and an online coupon. Total price 99 cents. Awesomeness! It arrived Wednesday in the mail. Of course, Wee Lass*** wants to watch it right away. I’m in the mood for a little animated kung fu action, so I says “Right on, my girl!”. DVD in, ass on couch, eyes on screen. And guess what? NOODLES! Po the Panda is the son of a duck**** who runs a noodle restaurant. Noodles famous far and wide. Dammit, man, I’m trying to dig the cool kung fu action (and the action sequences are AWESOME!) but all I can think about is some dan-dan noodles, or ‘Mr. Xie’s Sea-Flavor Noodles’. But then Wee Lass gets scared by the bad guy and I have to lay on some calming, protective daddy-like stuff. Movie over, it’s time to review the ‘Special Features’.

Wouldn’t you know it, there is a feature called ‘Mr. Ping’s Noodle Shop’, a short bit about…noodle-making! It’s hosted by Alton Brown (of ‘Good Eats’ fame) and takes place in a L.A. restaurant called ‘Mr. Chow’s’*****. They bring out a master ‘pastry’ chef to demonstrate the fine art of turning a blob of dough into a gazillion strands of noodles. All by hand, this master (and master he really is!) takes a volleyball sized ball of the dough and basically turns it into what looks like angel hair pasta. The Chinese name of the noodle type escapes me. It was amazing, just by swinging and folding and hitting it on the table, that he could end up with a set of noodles that was about 4 feet long, without tearing or breaking. Truly amazing, and it made me even hungrier. And of course, Alton Brown gets to sit down to a big plate of those noodles cooked in broth and slathered with some delicious looking sauce. Bastard.
I also realized that could be my next career: noodle maker. Yeah, I could get into that. I think it would be cool to be known as a master noodle maker.

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ITEM the 3rd: Kung Fu Toilet Dance

Setting: bagel shop, Friday morning a week ago. Wee Lass and I are tucking into muffin and bagel per standard operating procedure. Then she starts doing the tell-tale potty dance and grabbing her crotch. I choke down a bite of lox-spread-on-supreme and we skip off to La Toilette. Wee Lass parks her Wee Buns on the throne. I stand in the corner, arms folded, staring at the ceiling. She yells.

WL: “AAAAHHH!”
Me: “What, what’s wrong?”
WL: “There’s a bug! Aiiiee, aiiie, there’s a bug trying to get me!”
Me: “Where?” She points to a spot about 30 inches in front of her, mid air.
WL: “There! There!” I don’t see anything, and tell her so. “Daddeeee, it’s right there! Aiiiee!”

Finally, I see this…gnat…flying slooowly in circles near the toilet. Oh, for god’s sake. A GNAT?

Me: “You mean the gnat?”
WL: “Yes, get it before it gets meeeeee!”

So I start flailing at the gnat, karate chopping at it to no avail. Wee Lass starts to snicker. I crouch and do my best imitation of The Crane from ‘Karate Kid’. I swat at the gnat and go ‘HAAIIII!” Wee Lass bursts into laughter, and that’s all I need to hear. I start chasing the gnat around the toilet room, chopping and kicking with all the kung fu moves I can think of, plus a few I’m pretty sure aren’t actual kung fu styles (Flying Architect Style? Silly Daddy Style, anyone?). Wee Lass was really enjoying the show. I was too, as I pondered the absurdities of a 43 year old man crane hopping around a toilet, while his daughter sits on it and laughs, laughs, laughs. Man, I would do just about anything to hear it.

I never did get that gnat. I guess I need more practice. HAAIIII!


*Many thanks to That Baldy Fella at Tales of Squire Kirk the Elder for the tagline format. Please check it out, and his other blog, NickNackBlogAttack. The footnote sense of David Foster Wallace, the silliness of Monty Python: a heady combo indeed.
** Even Captain Dumbass is in on the noodles! Check out the sign in the pic.
***Apropos of nothing, she decided that her favorite member of ‘The Furious Five’ is Tigress. That’s my girrrrl!
****Panda is the offspring of a duck? Huh? Don’t think about, just watch.

***** Chow’s? Chow – a slang term for food. Good, recursive, very post-modern. Chinese civilization may be ancient, but still manages to be ahead of the times. I dig it.