03 July 2011

The Knocking Unconscious of Cynical Jaundice

I am not exactly the Excitable Boy, but I do get easily wound up by certain things that get under the skin of my convictions.  It would help, sometimes, to know exactly what are my convictions.  That sentence alone is telling of my state of mind when it comes to believing in something, anything.  A criticism of me, one that may have some small grain of fairness in it, is that it is sometimes difficult for others to determine what it is they think I believe in.  This is primarily due to cynicism and wariness, in that I have rarely wanted to give myself away for fear that the information would be used to take unfair advantage of me.

I tend not to believe very broadly, but when I do believe, I believe deeply.  I simply am careful about when and to whom I choose to let those feelings be known.

This wariness has tinged my writing to a noticeable degree.  Over the course of my journals and into this blog I have very often been truly inspired by the cynical, the jaded, the 'world-gone-wrong' dim view of humanity, when sitting down to write.  There is so much idiocy and misery in the world, much of it inflicted by humans on humans, that my sense of righteous indignation is piqued every day.  It is that indignation that fuels the fire of creativity, oftentimes, for better or worse.  It is why bad news and vicious snark seem to sell so well, when taken to extremes.

This makes me weary.

However, I have noticed a sea change as of late.  I do not seem to be focusing so much on the destructive or cynical or downer aspects of daily life on this planet.  It is rather refreshing.  Don't get me wrong, I still get agitated by the evening news and the mindless chatter of talking heads and modern politics.  I still get fired up enough to want to write about it.  Increasingly, these days?  I sit down to write those thoughts...and I find they have drained away.  The bubble bursts and I wonder just what I was so worked up about.  The noise and clatter seems so less important.

Why is this?  I am uncertain.  In recent weeks, I have found myself feeling much more in a creative frame of mind.  The positive is throwing off more light than the negative.  I am increasingly attracted to the light, even if I am contemplating something unpleasant or irritating.  I think more about the heart of the sun, animal energy, laughter and the making of things.  Grace and love seem nearer to me.

For a rust-stained cynic such as me, this is a state of affairs most grand.  I don't know what stream of energy I tapped into, or exactly how, but I'm going to stay here awhile and drink from the flow.  It's sweet and good.


  1. By all means...drink of it. Be happy and enjoy.

  2. Just let things be, breathe in who you are. An free soul. Free from old shit :)

  3. Yeah it's called getting older I think. There's so much to be cynical about but so little we can do about it that we might as well poor ourselves a drink, sit back and watch it all burn.
    Great blog by the way.


"Let your laws come undone
Don't suffer your crimes
Let the love in your heart take control..."

-'The Hair Song', by Black Mountain

Tell me what is in your heart...